


I slept with an idol...and it was sh*t!

by icecreamnana



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Angst and Humor, Closeted Jeno, College Students NCT Dream, Confident Na Jaemin, Fluff and Angst, M/M, NCT 2019, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burnish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2020-10-10 04:16:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20521793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icecreamnana/pseuds/icecreamnana
Summary: Jeno isn’t really sure how he ended up in this position; face down in the bed of his college dorm with a cute boy hurriedly putting his clothes back on. Jeno just lays there, unsure of what emotion he should feel.“That was fun,” Jaemin says in a hushed voice, flipping his coat hood over his head whilst placing his dusk mask around his face, “see you around cutie.” Jaemin laughs and blows Jeno a kiss before heading swiftly out Jeno’s room, the door closing with a soft creak.Jeno still hasn’t moved. He bites his lip and runs a hand through his hair before bursting out laughing."That was the worst sex I’ve ever had."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello whoever reads this! This is my first fanfic and creative writing piece since I was 15 (four years ago for reference) so please take this with a grain of salt. Hopefully this gets better as it goes along! Thank you for reading :) (also this isn't meant to offend anyone or Jaemin especially, in chapter 2 situations will be explained more)

Sunday afternoons were always the slowest, and Jeno was thankful for that. It had been a stressful week for the cafe he worked at, but not for a typical reason. It’s not like the cafe doesn’t usually have many customers, in fact, it’s rather well known in the area for it’s sweet ice cream cakes and tarts, but the documenting of a trip to said cafe by a famous idol posted online for thousands to see is what triggered a sudden surge in customers. 

Na Jaemin. Jeno wasn’t unaware of who he was, but being a typical 20 year old college engineering student with a part-time job is enough for Jeno’s busy mind to not pay too much attention to idols in general. The cafe he works at is located on the outskirts of Seoul, an idol showing up is pretty much unheard of, especially without notice to staff in advance.

And yet, there he was, Na Jaemin, once again sat in the corner with a small mug of hot chocolate and a vlogging camera, making intense eye contact with Jeno as he filmed his order.

Last week

It was a Wednesday evening and Jeno had two hours until his shift ended. The cafe had cleared up most of its customers at this time, so instead of making and serving coffee he was busying himself with wiping down the tables ready for tomorrow. 

'7pm,' Jeno thought to himself, 'once these last tables are done I could start closing up.' A smile landed on his face as the last two customers left the cafe, and Jeno knew it was very unlikely anyone else would come in now due to most cakes being sold out and the lights being dimmed.

Very unlikely does not, however, mean it’s impossible. But that thought didn’t cross Jeno’s mind until 7:20pm when he hears the ringing of a bell to signify a customer’s entry. Jeno’s eyes are instantly diverted to the door, and he makes eye contact with a cheery and bleach blond-haired boy who makes his way further into the cafe. Unintentionally, Jeno examines the boy. 

Vlogging camera equipped with a selfie stick, the handsome boy is the definition of ‘definitely-a-big-deal,’ Jeno thinks to himself. A youtuber maybe, perhaps even an idol trainee.  
'If he was an idol, our store would’ve been contacted, Jeno justifies to himself, despite recognising the customer’s face but not being able to put a name to it.'

“Hello, are you still open? Sorry to interrupt your cleaning, but I haven’t been here in ages,” the boy muses, swinging his camera from side to side while grinning at Jeno. For some reason, Jeno is hesitant to reply, his voice catching in his throat. 

“Y-yeah we’re open, but most of our products are sold out right now,” he replies, gulping down on air after he seems to have had it taken out of him. Their eyes meet again, and Jeno wasn’t ready for the confrontational smirk and wink the customer gave him. Scratching the back of his head, Jeno turned swiftly the other way, his back to the attractive boy as he headed back over to the counter to take his order. Jeno purposely avoids eye contact.

“What would you like?” He asks quickly, glancing down at the cash register. Without any warning, the stranger’s forefinger is on Jeno’s chin, lifting it up so their eyes met. Jeno doesn’t know whether to slap his fingers away or yell or both, but instead his whole face heats up, his ears turning red. Opening his mouth to speak, the boy grins and pinches Jeno’s cheek before stuffing his hand back in his pocket.

“It’s rude not to look customers in the eye.” The boy states plainly, biting his lip as he looks Jeno’s face up and down. Speechless, Jeno can only nod in agreement. He isn’t the confrontational type, but with any other customer Jeno would’ve escorted him out the premises by now, and most certainly wouldn’t have brushed aside the fact that a customer just touched his face. What was so different about this boy? He was handsome, for sure, very handsome, and his sly attitude seemed almost flirty and fitting for him. 

“Anyway,” the stranger’s loud voice interrupted Jeno’s deep thoughts, grounding him, “I’ll just have a frappe and my name is Jaemin by the way.” Their eyes meet again. Jaemin. That name sounded so familiar, yet Jeno really wasn’t sure where he’d heard the name before. Jaemin looked as if he expected some kind of reaction from Jeno in response to hearing his name, and when none came, he gave a small smile and sat down in the far end of the table.

Jeno hadn’t even been given a chance to respond to Jaemin or acknowledge his order, but it didn’t seem to matter to Jaemin. Jaemin Jaemin Jaemin. Jeno repeats the name in his head a few times. Maybe he’s just overthinking things. He looks over at the blond boy. He looks and dresses like an idol, perhaps that’s why Jeno is trying to convince himself he recognises him so to not feel rude. Not that it mattered, anyway, because he would most likely never see this boy again.

As he turns on the coffee machine, Jeno hears a muffled voice from within the cafe. He shuffles closer to the counter again, peering over at Jaemin, and sure enough, it’s Jaemin speaking. His demeanor was noticeably different now there was a camera in front of his face. Jaemin’s smile was brighter, his eyes seemed to smile too, everything about him seemed alive and happy. Not quite being able to make out what he heard, Jeno finishes up the coffee and makes his way over to Jeno’s table. 

“And here’s the handsome waiter, just kidding, I’ll edit this bit out.” A camera is in Jeno’s face as he places the coffee onto Jaemin’s table. When his hands are freed, he covers his face. Handsome waiter. That echoes in his head and lingers in his thoughts longer than it should.

“Why are you filming me?” Jeno asks, backing away until Jaemin puts the camera on the table, appearing to be now turned off. With a bright smile, Jaemin cocks his head to the side and winks at him. 'It’s like he’s trying to get me to react,' Jeno thinks, covering his mouth in an attempt to hide his blush.

“Not JUST you. This cafe in general.”  
“But why?” Jeno couldn’t help but wonder if Jaemin was trying to hide the reason he was filming, as his question lingers in the air and remains unanswered as Jeno sighs and turns back to walk to the counter.

“You’re really cute.” Jeno nearly trips over, Jaemin’s laughter hitting the back of his head like a drum.  
“How was your day Jaemin oppa? I’m too young to be your oppa. Thank you for all the hearts, everyone.”

Jeno relaxes behind the counter. He’s just doing a live show now, it was a viewer complimenting Jaemin, not Jaemin complimenting Jeno. 'Wait...hearts?'  
Maybe Jeno had previously been foolish, but he certainly knew now. Jaemin was a live streamer. He smiled to himself. Jeno wasn’t the biggest fan of streamers, but he had certainly watched a few shows as guilty pleasures in his spare time. Of course he recognised Jaemin, he was more than likely recommended to Jeno to watch, maybe he’d even watched Jaemin himself once. 

“Where are the others? Oh they’re back at the studio, I came out for a break. When’s the comeback? You’ll have to wait and see.”

If Jeno hadn’t have been busy turning off the loud coffee machine, perhaps he would’ve heard that. But he was happy with his conclusion- a live streamer. 

Present day

Every day since, Jaemin had been in the cafe, always in the evening. The cafe’s business was definitely booming since the live stream, and it’s not like Jaemin had even shown the outside. People are just clever at finding things, Jeno supposed. 'He must have a really dedicated fanbase.' The store even had to bring in more shifts for the staff, which tired Jeno out, but the pay was great. 

Sometimes, like today, Jaemin would just sit there for an hour drinking his coffee, not filming, not checking his phone, not doing anything. Jeno felt his eyes on him quite a lot, but when he turned to look, Jaemin would be occupied with something outside the window.  
'What’s his deal? Why is he always here now?'

It was 8:55PM, and Jeno needed to close. 

“Excuse me, I’m sorry sir, but it’s time to close up.” Jeno says hesitantly. Looking up from his empty cup, Jeno notices Jaemin’s usual beaming face was replaced with a frown, and his eyes seemed blood-shot, his hair messy.

Why did Jeno feel so concerned? All week, he had been stealing glances at Jaemin from across the room. What was drawing him to him? Sexuality wise, Jeno had never directly confronted it. Not sober, anyway. If he did, it became too painful and confusing. There were girls he’d find attractive, but there were also some boys he thought were just as pretty. The latter was the feelings and emotions he pushed aside. Jaemin happened to fall under every archetype that Jeno thought was pretty about boys. His bright eyes could light up a room, and his laughter was contagious. He isn’t just conventionally handsome, Jaemin is on another level of attractiveness. If they kept eye contact for more than five seconds, it was enough for Jeno to have to look away or he’d be a blushing mess.

“Come with me.”

“Huh?”

“When you close up and finish your shift, I’ll be waiting out the back for you. Where you always leave out of.”

With that, Jaemin was gone. Jeno was speechless. How did Jaemin know what part of the building Jeno always left at? Weird.

Sure enough, fifteen minutes later when Jeno had finished locking everything up and switching everything off, Jaemin was leaning against the wall, typing away on his phone. Jeno coughed to grab his attention.

“Oh! Hi, Jeno.” Jaemin smiled. It was October, the air was thin, and it gave Jaemin a perfect excuse to wear woolly gloves and a thick coat. 'He looks cute.' Jeno doesn’t even reject the thought this time. 

“So,” Jeno begins, “Why did you want to meet me here?”

Jaemin rubs his chest and clears his throat, averting his eyes from Jeno’s gaze.

“Sleep with me?”

'Huh?!'

Jeno’s mouth falls open in shock, and then he bursts out laughing. He bends over and clutches his stomach, he hasn’t laughed so hard in so long. Jaemin’s face makes him laugh even harder. He looks so innocent all wrapped up in a long, thick winter coat with woolly gloves, a bobble hat and hand-knitted scarf. If this was the ice-breaker Jaemin wanted to use to become Jeno’s friend, or get his attention, this was certainly it. 

Once Jeno had calmed down, he had the guts to look at Jaemin again. Oh. Jaemin stood awkwardly now, biting his lip with a defeated expression on his face. 'Is he serious? He can’t be serious.'

“That was a seriously funny joke Jaemin, and I appreciate it, but I’m straight.” It doesn’t feel like a lie, it never felt like one before when he kept it inside, but saying it outloud made Jeno feel small. 

“Do straight guys blush and turn away when they make eye contact with another guy for more than a few seconds?” Jaemin deadpanned Jeno, his expression more serious than Jeno would’ve appreciated. 

“I’m not…”

“Jeno, I think you’re a kind and genuine person, I like you. And you’re also really god damn hot. We don’t have to ever talk about this again, in fact, I’ll never look at you again if you don’t want me to! But I know the way you look at me, and I feel that same way. So please...” 

Jeno wanted to laugh again, but he also wanted to cry. He felt quite annoyed by the fact that a practically random stranger who he’d only met last week was asking for a very personal thing from him, and even somewhat outing him at the same time. Who did Jaemin think he was, royalty? Sure, Jaemin was attractive, and the way he’d smile at Jeno and always make sure it was him who waited on him at the cafe was also quite a cute touch. But he is still, very much so, a stranger.

“Okay, your place or mine?” Jeno didn’t even try to stop himself anymore. Jaemin’s face transformed into a beaming smile. His radiance was almost blinding.

“Yours, if that’s okay. I have protection don’t worry.” 

~

Jeno isn’t really sure how he ended up in this position, face down in the bed of his college dorm with a cute boy hurriedly putting his clothes back on. Jeno just lays there, unsure of what emotion he should feel. 

“That was fun,” Jaemin says in a hushed voice, flipping his coat hood over his head whilst placing his dusk mask around his face, “see you around cutie.” Jaemin laughs and blows Jeno a kiss before heading swiftly out Jeno’s room, the door closing with a soft creak. 

Jeno still hasn’t moved. He bites his lip and runs a hand through his hair before bursting out laughing.

'That was the worst sex I’ve ever had. He was barely here ten minutes. Does he have another appointment somewhere?'

Unaware of how loud his laughter became, Jeno is interrupted by a banging on the door. He scrambles to put on some underwear and a shirt before opening it.

“Renjun! Hi, sorry, I was just watching a really funny video.” Jeno attempts at lying, but he’s very bad at it. Renjun scoffs and makes his way into the room.

“It smells like shit in here, open a window.” Renjun states in an agitated tone before opening the window himself. 

Renjun is Jeno’s classmate and someone he shares an apartment with, and also a very close friend of Jeno’s. If there’s anyone who Jeno can trust for the cold, hard truth, it’s Renjun. Maybe he should tell him.

“I saw a boy leaving your room. He wasn’t here long, what happened?” It was hard to contain his laughter anymore, and Renjun’s concerned expression wasn’t helping. He was the only person Jeno had ever talked to about his sexuality before, in a time he felt the most lost and confused, and Renjun had been right there to hug him and tell him everything would be okay.

“Renjun, we had sex if you can even call it that. Holy crap it was so bad.” Jeno practically yells the last bit as his laughter overtakes his whole body and he falls backwards into the bed. Renjun covers his mouth, and Jeno isn’t sure if it’s from shock or trying to contain laughter. Sitting down on the bed next to him, Renjun giggles to himself quietly.

“Tell me everything right now.”

“Well first we got here and he just starts stripping, like no kissing on the bed or anything, then he told me to take my clothes off, so I did. Then I sat down and he just,” Jeno starts cracking up again, but Renjun calms him down by patting his back, “he asks if I want to do him, so I say yeah because obviously I’m not prepared for the other way around, and then he asks me to get hard so he could put a condom on me.” 

Renjun bursts out in fits of laughter, falling onto Jeno as he continues the story.

“Then he just lays there waiting for me to do that! So I go with it because at this point I’m too curious to see if he’ll turn it around, I asked if he was prepared then he goes ‘My ass is ready’ and I nearly lost it at that point already,”

Renjun is already in tears.

“When I’m finally ready and I put the condom on he’s still lying there. I thought, okay, I’ve got this, I actually know what I’m doing, but you could’ve never prepared me for what he did.”

Renjun’s face is in his hands, his stomach aching from laughing so hard.

“I go in, and he just starts sort of trying to ride it like he’s on top? I was so shocked it nearly made me soft, but his face looked like he enjoyed it so I just started to move, then he grabbed my hair and told me not to move, so I lean down thinking he wants to kiss and he covers his mouth! Honestly when it got to this part the only thing keeping me hard was his facial expressions because he was just bumping into me like he was trying to twerk or something.”

Both Jeno and Renjun snort, every attempt of trying to calm down is failed because Jeno has to continue the story.

“The logical thing to do at this point is for me to ask if he wants to get on top, because that’s what he seems like he wants, right?”

“Right.”

“Wrong! He tells me no, that he doesn’t like that position, then twerks on me for another 5 minutes, finishes, cleans up and leaves.” 

Renjun is in hysterics, and Jeno thinks he’s never seen him laugh so hard in his 4 years of knowing him. It takes at least 15 minutes before they’ve both chilled out enough to actually discuss Jeno’s story. Both their faces are tear-stricken and puffy, and Renjun is massaging his mouth from all the laughing.

“Did you even know his name?” Renjun asks, propping himself up against a pillow and crossing his legs.

“Yeah, it’s Jaemin. He comes into the cafe every day.”

Renjun’s eyebrows furrow and the smile quickly fades.

“Na Jaemin?”

“Yeah, do you know him? I think he’s a live streamer.”

“Jeno...Na Jaemin is a famous SM Idol, he’s part of a boy group…the third biggest in South Korea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello old + new readers, welcome to my story or welcome back! I just made a new twitter for AUs I want to start writing, it's @/jaemnbby for anyone interested :)


	2. Chapter 2

“Jeno...Na Jaemin is a famous SM Idol, he’s part of a boy group…the third biggest in South Korea.”

For the second time today, Jeno is left speechless. His mouth hangs open in an almost comical manner as he attempts to process what Renjun has just said to him. ‘An idol? No way, an idol wouldn’t be so careless as to always go to the same cafe at similar times, or even go back to the same place several times a week.’ 

But still, other things began to make sense to Jeno. The way Jaemin would always wear a dark beanie hat inside, covering all of his hair, even inside the cafe, and tended to wear a white mask over his nose and mouth. Jeno had just thought he was cold. He couldn’t believe himself. He’d really slept with an idol. And it was really shit.

“Jeno, snap out of it, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Groans Renjun as he snaps his fingers in front of his friend’s face.

“Look Jeno, I know you’re probably very confused right now, so am I, but there could be some kind of unworldly justification for this.”

“For why Jaemin is bad at sex?”

“Yes!” 

Jeno snorts, not believing that Renjun is seriously considering that Jaemin performed that badly on purpose. Jeno tried to put himself in the position of Jaemin. He finds a guy who he thinks is cute, and wants to sleep with him, but by doing so, also impress him. ‘Yeah...no, there’s no way Jaemin did that on purpose.’ 

Pulling up Jeno’s laptop, Renjun opens Google and smirks at Jeno innocently. Enough unbelievable events had already occurred today, so what harm could googling it even do? Jeno gave in, and sat next to Jeno.

“Okay let’s see. Na Jaemin sex.” Renjun typed. If Jeno had water to spit, he would’ve spat it out then.

“Na Jaemin x reader...lemon? What the hell does that mean?” Both Renjun and Jeno shrugged at each other and click on the link, taking them to what looks like a fanfiction website.  
‘Things get a little steamy with your boyfriend Jaemin in the bedroom.’

Renjun closes the web page, and opens a new one, giggling. 

“Maybe you should read that, it’ll give you the Jaemin experience and a better time than he did.” 

Jeno whacks his friends arm playfully, laughing. He did feel bad laughing with Renjun at Jaemin’s expense, but it was so bad it was laughable. Jeno takes his laptop off of Renjun’s lap.

“I had sex with an idol and it was bad.” Jeno says out loud, typing into yahoo answers. He couldn’t believe he was actually doing this, but god did it feel necessary.

“There’s actually a huge thread oh my god.” Exclaimed Renjun as he pointed to Jeno’s screen. Sure enough, there was.

‘Please help, I slept with an idol and it wasn’t good.  
I know a lot of people won’t believe me and will call me a troll, but I just need to know I’m not the only one out there. I won’t say any names, but last week I slept with an artist from JYP. We met at a bar, and I recognised him but didn’t want to bother him obviously. He caught me checking him out and walked over to me. We actually had a lot in common, then he asked if he could stay with me.  
I was so excited of course I said yes! Not just because he’s an idol, but he is so engaging and handsome. The problems started when we got back to my room. He asked if I knew who he was, which is fair enough, and I told him yes. He asked if he could take my phone and put it in his coat so he was reassured that I wouldn’t take pictures or anything. I thought this was a bit odd but I understood.  
He takes my phone and as he’s putting it away I lay on the bed, and my heart was beating so fast. He walks over to me and gets on top of me, bearing in mind he is also still wearing clothes, and then asks if I can take my bra off. I’m wearing a dress, so I started taking my dress off but he stops me, looked me dead in the eyes and says “Only the bra.” I justified it to myself at the time thinking maybe he just likes the dress, because I know some guys who like girls to wear skirts in bed so...anyway, without any foreplay, he gets his dick out and starts jerking it off, so I asked if he’d like me to do that. He said “no, girls are really bad at that!” I felt sooooo bad in that moment, but it was almost funny. I didn’t even feel turned on anymore, when he put the condom on I braced myself for the pain, praying the lube might be enough.  
Instead, he pulled up my entire dress, grabbed my boobs and started thrusting in between them. Some guys find this hot, I know, but I was so unprepared for it that I just laughed. He asked if this was okay, and I said yes because it was just too damn hilarious to turn back now. This goes on for at least 10 minutes, he has barely touched me let alone kiss me, and I just knew he wasn’t putting it in me lol.  
When he finished, he took off the condom, put it in the bin, pulled up his pants, threw my phone on the bed, and left. He said goodbye, that was fun etc but!!!! I cried laughing for an hour afterwards. I want to tell my friends but I know they won’t believe me. PLEASE if anyone else has had a similar experience with an idol comment below.’ 

Both Renjun and Jeno stopped reading at the same time, and were both already laughing. They couldn’t believe it seemed to be a common trend for idols to be ridiculously bad in bed. They began to read the comments.

‘Lol as if an idol would be bad in bed.’

‘Oof be careful JYP doesn’t sue you lol.’

‘Holy shit I’m not alone!! I won’t go into detail like you, but I slept with an artist from SM and it was terrible! Send me a message if you wanna talk about it.’

‘Maybe he realised what a bitch you were and didn’t want to give you a good time.’

‘Hey, this might not sound truthful, but I might as well tell you. One of my friends is an idol trainee, and when I came across this I asked her what she knew. I’ll copy and paste her reply:  
Within most idols of the big companies, this is pretty much common knowledge. I won’t talk about my company because I don’t want to get in trouble, but we were told by some older girls that idols actually do this on purpose for several reasons. For starters, if an idol sleeps around a lot and is good in bed, eventually it’s going to make the press. It would be a huge scandal for the idol and the company. Idols have to be very careful who they sleep with because of this. However, if an idol is bad in bed, so unbelievably bad that it’s actually unbelievable, who’s going to report on it? If, for example, a news company wrote about how much an idol sleeps around and is bad at it, it’ll give the idol company a bad rep, and they could sue for defamation of character. Fans of the idol would boycott the news company because who wants to believe their idol is bad at sex? That’s the main reason for it. But they try to avoid sleeping with those who aren’t idols because of embarrassment they feel about performance. Another one I heard that isn’t very common but I still heard this, is that if an idol has a crush and they sleep with them, it’s bad, and the person still likes them and wants to talk to them, the idol sees it as testing the waters to see how loyal a person is, but that’s a very rare chance.

That’s all my friend sent. I hope this helps you and anyone who comes across this.’ 

Renjun looks over at Jeno, who finished reading before him. His hand is on his chin, deep in thought. Slowly, Renjun closes the laptop and scoots closer to Jeno, putting his arm around him to comfort him.

“I actually feel really bad now.” Sighs Jeno, looking down at his feet. 

“Don’t. There’s no way you could’ve known or even thought he would do this on purpose.” Renjun replies, rubbing his friends back. 

Jeno knows this. But he can’t hold back the tears that prick his eyes when he thinks about Jaemin’s cute smile and his handsome face. It wasn’t really the fact he’d laughed about it that made Jeno sad, it was the fact that Jaemin knew what he was doing was bad, yet he still asked and wanted Jeno to sleep with him. He thought about the yahoo post. ‘They try to avoid sleeping with those who aren’t idols because of embarrassment they feel about performance.’ He hadn’t known Jaemin for very long, and it was very unlike Jeno to sleep with someone he just met, that’s just what he was like. But something had been drawing him to Jaemin. The boy could smile and it was enough for Jeno’s face to redden like a tomato. He felt a connection with him. He wondered if Jaemin felt it too. 

Jaemin’s POV

It was just gone 10:30pm, and Jaemin had half an hour to get back to the dorms before curfew. It annoyed him how he was 20 years old and had to be back at a certain time, but he knew he had rehearsals at 8am tomorrow, and everyone would be irritated if he was too tired to be engaged with the practice.  
He thought about Jeno and sighed. That was the second time he’d slept with someone who he performed badly with, and thinking about it made his whole body tense up and cringe. He hated the stupid, unspoken rule.  
Three months ago, Jaemin had spotted Jeno whilst he was vlogging with his bandmate Haechan. Jaemin couldn’t just let this stranger go. Without making it obvious, Jaemin steered the both of them in the direction of the handsome stranger. ‘He’s got to be an idol trainee,’ Jaemin thought, ‘hopefully he’s heading to the JYP dorms, they aren’t far from here.’  
Haechan turned off the camera. 

“Why are we following that guy?”

Jaemin tensed up, biting his lip. 

“I think he might be an idol trainee and I want to get to know him.”

“I think you mean, you think he’s hot and want to stalk him.” Haechan smirked. Jaemin sighed and scratched the back of his head, blushing. Haechan was half right, but he really did want to know if he was an idol trainee or not.  
The two continued on until the man headed into a cafe. ‘He’s probably getting lunch before afternoon practice,’ Jaemin thought, fondly remembering his time as a rookie. 

“Let’s go in.” Haechan grinned, grabbing Jaemin’s wrist and pulling him towards the building. Jaemin froze up.

“No! What if he recognises us?”  
“Isn’t that the point? You want to get to know him, come ON.” Haechan pushed Jaemin into the cafe. 

There he was. The boy was gorgeous, he had dark brown hair, great bone structure and a very good build. Jaemin gulped. However, the boy was bow wearing an apron and stood behind the counter. Haechan glanced over at Jaemin, rolling his eyes and pulled him to a table.

“Come on Jaemin, even if he’s not a trainee, you can still talk to him. Or maybe even tell our managers about him, he could get scouted. I have to admit, he’s definitely got the look.” Sighed Haechan, looking back over at the counter.  
“I’ll go and order us a drink, I’ll take a peek at his name tag for you.” He winks as he walked off.

That was Jaemin’s first encounter with Jeno. Haechan had reported back to the managers about him, and they’d headed down there to investigate. From what Jaemin heard, Jeno said he wasn’t interested. They asked if he’d consider doing a bit of modelling, he said he’d think about it, they gave him a card, and that was that. Three months on, Jeno hadn’t given them a call. It didn’t surprise Jaemin. Being an idol took a lot of work, mentally and physically, he’d even had to take months off because of his mental health two years ago.  
He hadn’t been able to get him off his mind though. When he had free time after all the practices were done for the day, he’d walk past the cafe to see Jeno working. He never went inside because Jeno always seemed so focused on his work. He’d never even spoken to him, yet he felt like he was 15 again with some silly crush. His friends begged him to go in there because they were sick of him sneaking out every so often to just watch a guy without even talking to him.  
When Jaemin decided he really couldn’t take it anymore, and needed to know what he was like, he had seriously messed up his first impression. He cringed again, thinking back to when he touched his face, or when he called him cute but instantly backtracked so pretended to be on vlive, it was all too much. Why was he so caught up on this guy? Jaemin sighed again. Jeno was a truly kind person. He thought back to the time they spent in his bedroom. His body looked amazing, Jaemin had wanted nothing more than to run his hands over him and kiss him, but that was too dangerous. Jaemin already felt extremely attracted to him, if he became seriously attached as well that would be a problem. Dating wasn’t necessarily banned for him, but it was definitely advised against. ‘What am I even thinking about? I hardly know him yet I’m already thinking about dating him?’

Jaemin was back at the dorms, at 10:55pm. Close call. He makes his way through reception and into his room. He can’t wait to collapse on the bed and fall asleep, this day took all his confidence out of him.

‘Oh.’ Mark, Lucas, Jungwoo and Haechan were all sat on the sofa, playing a videogame together. Jaemin sighed loudly. 

“Nice of you to finally join us.” Mark says without taking his eyes off the game. Jaemin smiles and takes off his coat and hat, joining them on the sofa.

“What game are you playing?”

“Where were you?” Haechan ignores Jaemin’s question, asking his own one. Lately, the members had been worried about him. Sure, he was an adult now, but he always seemed so distant and distracted, coming back late to the dorms. This was the latest he’d ever been back.  
“I was with someone.” Jaemin states plainly, not daring to look over in Haechan’s direction and keeping his eyes on the screen. 

“A lady friend?” Laughed Lucas, pausing the game which received a groan from everyone participating. Now all eyes were on Jaemin.

“No.” 

“Did you finally make a move on Jeno?” Asked Haechan. Jaemin sighed again. He could tell them, it’s not like they’d judge him. But they’d ask too many questions, especially about the unwritten rule of performance. He made eye contact with Lucas. Jaemin knew Lucas would probably be the least pushy, especially because he was the one who initially told them all about the rule. Lucas bites his lip and stands up.

“I’m gonna talk with Jaemin outside a bit, you guys continue without me.” Lucas smiles. The others groan again, and Haechan gives Jaemin a sad look. It made Jaemin feel bad because he knew that Haechan wanted him to trust him with it. But Haechan wouldn’t get it. He saw the way him and Mark looked at each other, he knew, everyone did. Jaemin had hoped and prayed that Jeno would accept the offer of becoming a trainee, then at least he wouldn’t have to worry about talking to someone outside of the SM village or...underperforming in certain areas.

The two stand in the corridor, and Lucas leans against the wall.

“Wanna talk about it then?”

“Oh god Lucas I felt so bad,” Jaemin begins before going off on a rant, “he’s so handsome, I just wanted to touch him and show him hot hot he is, he really didn’t look like he was enjoying it, I had to pretend to finish because I just couldn’t. At one point he leaned down to kiss me and I wanted nothing more than to do that, but I just…” Jaemin breathes for air, and Lucas gives him a soft smile and ruffles Jaemin’s hair. 

“You could’ve just ignored the rule, you know. I’ve heard and seen how much you like this guy, so I can’t see you doing it with anyone else. And if he’s as nice as you’ve told us he is, he doesn’t seem like the guy to spread it around either.” Lucas advised. 

Jaemin had considered this, especially when Jeno had asked if he wanted to get on top, but he already felt so embarrassed with himself that he couldn’t even look Jeno in the eye. When he’d initially asked Jeno to sleep with him, he went there with the intention of not caring about the stupid rule. If, however, he hadn’t have made eye contact with a girl whilst walking up the stairs to Jeno’s dorm, he probably would’ve performed his best. The girls eyes had widened and her mouth opened like she was about to say something. Jaemin knew that his disguise of a long hat, thick coat and mask couldn’t disguise him up close, but there was no way he could risk it after that event happened. He knew she recognised him. What if she knew Jeno? What if she was close friends with Jeno and he told her everything and she told her friends and then they told others and the whole situation became messy.  
“I was going to but...don’t wanna get attached. We also have a comeback soon, I can’t get distracted.” Jaemin felt satisfied with his answer, but Lucas just rolled his eyes and smirked. 

“Alright Jaemin, let’s get back inside.”

Jeno’s POV

It was 12am, and Jeno had spent the last hour researching Jaemin. He felt like a creepy ex, but despite everything that had happened in the last few hours, he really wanted to get to know the boy better. Sure, google probably wasn’t the best place to start, but he didn’t even have Jaemin’s number, so it’s not like he could text him and ask him questions.  
Jaemin was an amazing dancer and rapper, and Jeno felt mesmerised by it. Each official music video had well over 20 million views. Renjun had told Jeno he was famous, but he didn’t think he was THAT famous.  
In the videos he’d watch of Jaemin and his fellow idols together, he was always smiling and being overly flirty with the other members. Jeno thought it was cute. He decided he wanted to see more recent updates about him. ‘Jaemin today’ he typed into google.

‘NCT’s JAEMIN spotted leaving the dorms of The University of Seoul, alone, at 10pm...a possible lover?- Just published’ 

‘Oh god. Oh shit. Oh no.’ 

‘The 20 year old international star was seen, pictured below, leaving the campus of The University of Seoul at 10:23pm tonight. It’s unclear how long he was at the dorms for. From his attire, it can be inferred that Jaemin did not want to be seen, as he can be seen wearing a thick black coat, accompanied by a black woolly hat that covers all of his hair and forehead, alongside a black mask that just leaves his eyes visible. What secret could Jaemin be hiding at the dorms? Perhaps a secret lover? We have reached out to SM Entertainment for a comment, and hope to hear back from them the following morning.’ 

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love on my first chapter, I didn't expect it! I'm glad so many of you like it, and I'll continue to work hard on this story.


	3. Chapter 3

Jaemin awoke the next morning feeling incredibly groggy and tired. It was 8:05am, and already he could hear chatter outside his bedroom. He glanced around for Haechan, but didn’t see him. ‘Maybe he’s still upset about yesterday. I hope not.’ Jaemin groaned to himself, flopping out of bed to get dressed. 

There was a knock on the door, then Mark came in. Jaemin smiled to greet him, but Mark looked nervous and unsettled.

“Jaemin...the managers want to speak to you, like, right now. Quickly get dressed.” 

“What?! What about?” Jaemin asked in a panic, scrambling to his wardrobe to grab some clothes. He heard Mark sigh and close the door, walking over to him.

“I don’t know, but it’s probably got something to do with where you were yesterday. It’s probably not a big deal.” 

Mark’s words don’t reassure Jaemin. He felt sick, a mix of hunger and nerves. He remembered the girl from last night who he made eye contact with. Could she have tipped someone off about where he was? Jaemin felt so stressed. He was out the door in less than a minute, jogging down the corridor towards the meeting room.

Two of his managers were sat on the table, waiting for him. They gave him a smile.

“Hello Jaemin, don’t worry too much this won’t take long.” Jaemin sighed in relief and sat down on a chair opposite them.

“Some pictures surfaced last night of you leaving the University of Seoul’s campus and many news companies have reached out to us for a comment because there’s lots of speculation you were visiting a lover.”

Jaemin averted his eyes from his manager’s eyes, looking out the window. It’s not like he was seeing a lover, but he definitely still felt guilty about it. He was sure he wouldn’t have been seen or pictured if it wasn’t for that girl.

“Now Jaemin, you’re not in a relationship are you?”

“No.”

“We thought not, but it has also been raised to our concern that you keep disappearing off in the evenings after practice. Your friends are worried about you. We are going to tell the companies that the reason for you being there concerns the comeback, so now we’re going to film a scene at the university. You can go now.” 

Jaemin practically runs out the room. He runs out the company until he reaches the SM park. He collapses down on the bench, his head in his hands. He wanted to be left alone. The autumn breeze was cold, but Jaemin had much bigger concerns on his mind. SM had covered for him for now, and he was very lucky the comeback was due, but he had to be a lot more cautious from now on. ‘Sometimes I wish I could’ve just been a normal person,’ Jaemin thinks. He obviously loves his job and his fans, but something as simple as being seen outside in a certain location could be turned into a scandal through rumours quicker than Jaemin could even think. Today would be a hard day.

Jeno’s POV

Monday morning’s sucked. Jeno had a 9am class, and was in all day until 4pm when he had to go straight to work. But today, he welcomed the packed day with open arms. He needed to take his mind off the previous day. He saw that SM released a statement about Jaemin’s whereabouts having something to do with their comeback, and Jeno really felt thankful he didn’t have to get mixed up in that mess.  
Whilst showering, Jeno thought about the time SM had scouted him when he was working. The cafe was particularly busy that day, luckily two other staff members were there so Jeno wasn’t alone.  
“Excuse me, is your name Lee Jeno?” Jeno looked up from the table he was cleaning. It was one man and one woman, dressed very smartly, looking very attractive and smiling broadly.

“Yes, who are you?”

“We work for SM entertainment and can see you have potential to be an idol. Would you ever consider coming to audition?” 

Jeno tried to process what he had just heard. Surely not. When he was younger, he’d been in a few commercials on TV and dreamed of being an actor, but he quickly realised the older he got, the more unrealistic that dream sounded. He was comfortable with his major now, being an idol sounded stressful. Plus, he’d never danced before, and he was 20 now, it would take at least a few years to train before he debuted, and he might not even debut, so years of his life would have been wasted.

“No thanks, I’m not cut out for that.” Jeno replied, playing with his hands nervously. He hoped they wouldn’t be too pushy.

“That’s okay, if you don’t want to be an idol, you could do some modelling work for us. Here’s our card, contact us if you’re interested.”

They left as quickly as they arrived.

Present day Jeno hummed to himself as he got out the shower. He really had considered calling them about the modelling, but he lost the card that very same day.   
He stared at himself in the mirror.  
‘I wish Jaemin was here.’  
He didn’t know why that thought came to him. He had worried himself to sleep over Jaemin last night over the pictures being released, why did he care so much about someone he knew so little about? He hoped he’d see Jaemin at the cafe later, but he knew it was unlikely, especially after he was caught. ‘God, I just wish I had a way to contact him.’ Just as that thought processes through his mind, Renjun barges into his room.

“Jeno, we need to leave in 10 minutes. Also, you’ve got a letter. Want me to open it for you?”

Rubbing his eyes awake, Jeno steps out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist, his dark hair drippin’ (love love) from the shower. Renjun yelps and covers his eyes.

“Give me a warning!” He exclaimed, turning his back to Jeno and walking out the door.

Laughing, Jeno dried off his hair with the towel and then hung it out on the bathroom rack. Fully clothed, Jeno looks at the letter. He hopes it isn’t some debt he forgot about, Jeno was very good at keeping up to date with things like that. Ripping open the sides, he rushed to get to the letter. For some reason, his heart was pounding. 

“Dear Jeno,

Have a good day, cutie,  
Here’s my number btw  
XXX_XXX-XxX  
-J :)” 

Jeno reread the letter at least 10 times. ‘Have a good day, cutie,’ Jaemin wasn’t even there and he still had the ability to make Jeno blush. It was almost as if he had read his mind when he wanted to contact Jaemin. This meant Jaemin had been thinking about him too. He was worried that after the experience they had together that Jaemin could possibly be too embarrassed to speak to him again. After all, he did tell Jeno they didn’t need to even look at each other again. Sighing, Jeno pulled out his phone and made a new contact. 

‘Hello’

‘Who’s this?’

‘You sent me a letter with your number on it lol.’

‘Oh! Jeno hi! It’s Jaemin btw’

‘I guessed, thank you for trusting me with your number’

‘Well I’m interested enough in you to want to keep texting you hehe’

Jeno stared at his phone, a blush creeping up his face. Jaemin was interested in him. He thought about the yahoo answers post. Was Jaemin testing the waters to see if Jeno would stick around? He hoped so. 

“Jeno what the hell are you doing? We need to go.” Renjun yelled from outside the door. Shoving his phone in his pocket, Jeno shot up, grabbed his bag and ran out the door, a huge smile on his face.

Jaemin’s POV

‘Maybe that was too much.’ Jaemin internally cringed at himself, turning off his phone. Jeno had read his bold text, and hadn’t replied. It was bad enough sending a damn letter to his dorm rather than just asking him for his number in person, now Jaemin had attempted at flirting with Jeno and instantly failed. 

He was back in the practice room now, and with their comeback lurking round the corner he needed to avoid as many distractions as possible. They were currently on their 15 minute break, and Haechan approached Jaemin, perching next to him on the floor.

“Wanna tell me what happened yesterday?” Haechan asked softly, smiling at his friend and putting his arm around him.   
Jaemin considered it. He felt a tad embarrassed, but he guessed it wouldn’t do any harm anymore. Haechan was a close friend, he could at least offer him the truth.

“I just went out for a few drinks.” Jaemin replied, looking at his reflection in the mirrors of the practice room, taking a sip of water. 

“Oh. Since when did you drink?” Haechan questions, his tone assertive and his face a picture of concern. Jaemin didn’t understand why he lied again. Why was it so hard to talk about? ‘I was with Jeno, we slept together. I can’t get my mind off of him, someone took pictures of me leaving his dorm. I nearly got busted, so now I feel extra cautious constantly, but you wouldn’t get it because the only person you’ve ever slept with is Mark. And trust me, Donghyuck, everyone knows because when you two shared a room last year the walls are thick but not that thick. I don’t know why you and Mark hide it from everyone, none of us get it. Do you think we’d look at you differently? We are your best friends, we just want to support you both. How could I tell you about this personal problem I’m facing when you won’t tell anyone, especially me, about you and Mark?’

But of course, Jaemin could never say that.

“I’m an adult Donghyuck, I can do what I want.” Replied Jaemin in a tone more hostile than he would’ve preferred. Even Haechan seemed taken aback by this. 

“I’m just worried-”

“Stop worrying! We’re best friends aren’t we? If I had a serious problem, I’d talk to you about it.” Jaemin stood up and paced out of the room. He heard all the chatter fall quiet as he did so. Maybe he shouldn’t have snapped. But Jaemin couldn’t stop his thoughts about the secrets Donghyuck already kept from him about his relationship with Mark, and no matter how many late nights he’d spent laying with his friend telling him he could tell him anything and he’d never judge him, Haechan never budged. Never said a single thing about Mark. Jaemin didn’t realise how much it upset him until he had just confronted it now by snapping. 

“Yo dude, where are you going?” It was Mark on his way back from the bathroom. He had missed all of that. 

“I need some air.” Jaemin lied, giving Mark a smile. Rolling his eyes, Mark grabbed his friend's arm.

“Are you alright?” Jaemin felt bad at how concerned and upset Mark looked. Maybe he should tell him he argued with Haechan, but it was very obvious who’s side he’d take. Jaemin especially couldn’t tell him why he snapped. Mark wasn’t innocent in this either, he never said a single thing about him and Haechan. It had even caused Jaemin to second guess himself. Maybe he’d heard wrong those many, many nights. Perhaps the conversations with Taeyong about what they’d seen accidentally when walking into Mark and Haechan’s room was all part of his imagination.

“Yeah, sorry Mark, I’ll head back with you.” Mark grinned and hit Jaemin playfully on the back as they headed back into the room. 

“Are you worried too? I seriously...Jaemin! I’m sorry about being pushy…” Haechan stood up and opened his arms to hug him. There seemed no use staying annoyed at him. Jaemin smiled and hugged him, squeezing him. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Smiled Jaemin, leaning in to kiss Haechan’s cheek. Flinching and putting his hand against his mouth, Haechan gagged and laughed.

“Gross.” 

The break was over, and it was back to hardcore rehearsing again. Jaemin had no choice but to push his feelings to the back of his head. The last thing he needed was to lose Haechan at the moment, especially in a time where he felt quite fragile. His phone buzzed in his back pocket. 

‘Aww, I’m interested in getting to know you too, Jaemin.’ 

Jaemin smiled. Maybe today wouldn’t be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, but I'm going to be very busy next week and probably won't have time to update this, so I decided not to leave it on a major cliff-hanger to spare you all. Once again, thank you for all the comments, kudos and support.


	4. Chapter 4

Jeno was in desperate need of snapping back into reality. It had been just over two weeks, and Jaemin still hadn’t responded to his text, or even come into the cafe. Renjun had attempted at reasoning with him, telling him after the pictures came out he would’ve been cautious to go anywhere, and he has a comeback soon, he’s probably practicing 24/7. But that didn’t stop Jeno from moping around the first few days, even daring to send a double text that Jaemin didn’t even read. 

Enough was enough, after six days, Jeno decided to stop overthinking it. Instead, he had bigger issues at hand. Once he stopped worrying about Jaemin, he started to think about the fact that he was interested in Jaemin romantically and physically. And that truly terrified Jeno. Looking at cute guys on the street and seeing the appeal of them was fine for him. He could admire them from afar. But Jeno hadn’t just looked at Jaemin, he’d slept with him. Jaemin was the first man he’d ever slept with, and despite how laughably bad it was, Jeno felt like he’d lost his virginity all over again. 

When Jeno would lay in bed at night, occasionally, his thoughts couldn’t help but linger on how Jaemin had looked when he’d been with him, how every part of him looked. It drove Jeno insane, and even led him to tears at the thought of having done something so personal with someone he barely knows. 

That’s why Jeno was here now; clothes off, head spinning with alcohol and a girl he’d just met at a club asleep at his side. Maybe Jaemin had now left Jeno with a bad habit of sleeping with people he’d just met. Jeno already felt different, but perhaps that was just the alcohol burning through him. ‘I’m not gay,’ Jeno smiles to himself, still drunk, ‘I fucking enjoyed that. I must have been out of my mind.’ 

It’s 3am. Jeno’s phone vibrates.

“Jeno where the fuck are you?” It’s Renjun. Jeno drunkenly laughs down the phone.

“At a girls place.”

“What? What’s her name?”

Jeno giggled some more. “I don’t even know.” 

Renjun sighed loudly.

“For fuck sake, Jeno, I can’t believe you’re this depressed over a guy you don’t even know.”

Jeno ended the phone call and threw the phone at the floor. That was a problem for him to deal with when he woke up, hungover in the morning. For now, Jeno wanted to admire the girl who laid beside him. With this thought in mind, he passed out.

~

“Shit.” 

Jeno felt awful, his head was killing and he was in an unknown bed. Memories of last night start flooding back to him, causing his headache to worsen. Looking around the room, Jeno doesn’t see the girl anywhere. Deciding it’s probably best to put his clothes back on, he picks up his clothes and phone from the floor. Fuck.

‘Texts to Jaemin: 

‘Jmin, why ddi u ignor me’  
‘u dont com to cafe anymr’  
‘I miss u’  
‘r u thnki bout me 2’  
‘idk y u got in my head, barelty even know u’ 

At 8am, when Jeno had been fast asleep, Jaemin had responded.

‘Lol you are drunk. Sorry I’ve had my friends up my ass about being out late and we can’t go on our phones during practice and photoshoots, I didn’t think you cared this much lol. That’s cute though, glad even drunk you texts me ;)’ 

Jeno drops the phone on the bed and puts his head in his hands, a blush creeping up his neck. He’d forgotten his motives for sleeping with a girl until now. Guess it didn’t work.

There was a note on the bed that read ‘Thanks for the great night, Jeno. I’m at work, the door locks automatically so let yourself out. Here’s my number if you want to meet up again.’

Jeno threw the note in the trash, quickly got into his clothes and left. The walk home wasn’t too far, but it was still enough time for his thoughts to consume him. Jaemin hadn’t been purposely ignoring him, Renjun was right, and he had just slept with a girl in an attempt to prove something to himself that he knew for a fact wasn’t true. He wasn’t straight. The thought was still as terrifying as it had been since he first hit puberty. It was so jarring to him, he could still recall the day.

He was 14, and his class had an exchange student from Japan. The whole class was star struck when he introduced himself. 

“Hello everyone, my name is Yuta. I hope we can all get along,” then he had made eye contact with Jeno, and Jeno’s heart felt like it had pounded through his chest. Yuta was beautiful, Jeno would’ve liked to have been friends with him, but he was more shy back then, and Yuta just radiated friendliness at some kind of unattainable level. Eventually, Jeno had grown to dislike Yuta because of the confusing feelings he made him feel. One look was all it took for his heart to pound.

Jeno laughed to himself quietly as he remembered how stupid he was back then, yet how he was still in a similar resentment with himself now. Yuta had been scouted by an idol agency relatively quickly after he joined Jeno’s class, and Jeno knew he was widely successful now.   
‘Why do I always crush on kpop idols?’ He thought to himself as he unlocked the door to his apartment. ‘Oh god.’ 

Renjun was sat there at the kitchen table, his arms crossed and looking very pissed off. Jeno knew he was about to have an earful. 

“Come and sit down,” Renjun said very calmly but coldly, patting the chair next to him. Obliging, Jeno cautiously sits next to his friend, facing him.

“I know you think sleeping with a girl is going to stop your feelings for Jaemin, but you’re wrong. You either need to completely move on from him or go full in, it’s up to you.”

With that, Renjun stood up abruptly and walked into his room. Jeno sighed and scratched his head, flipping his phone out of his pocket. There was no way he could ever forget Na Jaemin. He decided to reply.

‘I am so sorry omg, I’m so embarrassed.’ 

Jeno received a reply not even a minute later.

‘Lol it’s okay its funny. Wanna meet up later?’

Biting his lip, Jeno thought about it. What could Jaemin be insinuating by this? Did he mean he wanted to hang out in a club or something for a drink? Hanging out as just friends? Or did he want to sleep with him again? If the latter was the case, Jeno thought it was best he informed him that he was aware of the rule. ‘But what if there is no rule and you embarrass Jaemin,’ said a little voice at the back of Jeno’s head. Maybe he shouldn’t mention it.

‘Where?’ He texts back.

‘I’ll meet you outside your dorms in 2 hours, I know a place :)’

A place. A place could mean anything. It could mean a nice restaurant Jaemin wanted to take him to, or a hotel where Jaemin wanted to fuck him in. Jeno laughed out loud at his thoughts, and headed into his room to take a much needed shower. 

Jaemin’s POV

“I’m going out later.” Jaemin announced in the dorms. All eyes were on him. They were having a day off today as their work had been so intense for weeks without a proper break. Haechan looked like he wanted to say something, but refrained. It was Jungwoo who spoke first.

“I hope you have fun Jaemin,” he smiled, blowing him a kiss. Jaemin smiled in response. He was so happy he had finally gotten a chance to meet Jeno.  
It was unfortunate Jaemin had to lie to Jeno about why he hadn’t been responding, but he thought the truth wasn’t necessary, and he didn’t want to hurt Jeno anymore than he possibly already had. When he woke up to all those texts from a drunk Jeno, his heart ached too much. He couldn’t bear it anymore, no matter what he’d been disciplined into thinking or doing. Eyes fell off of Jaemin, and they all turned back to what they’d originally been doing. 

Jaemin intended to take Jeno to the SM village park. He knew that non-idols weren’t allowed there, but it was the only place that he would be able to get some privacy with Jeno without worrying about the general public. It was a huge park, but there was still a chance of some other SM idols spotting them. He didn’t care at this point. ‘We’ve warned you, Jaemin, that sort of behaviour is strictly forbidden.’ He shuddered at the memory, his stomach dropping. Life felt so unfair sometimes. He was risking quite a lot for Jeno, but ‘yolo’ as Mark had told him when he proposed his idea to him. Jaemin wasn’t quite sure what it meant. 

~

Deciding what to wear outside to meet Jeno was a hard decision. If he wore something similar to last time, and somebody recognised him, people might get suspicious. Besides, they’re meant to be filming something for the comeback now. But if he wore his regular clothing, he would undoubtedly be recognised and his photo would be taken. He’d be followed, and subsequently, so would Jeno. That wouldn’t be good. Jaemin sighed, and with slight apprehension, opted for a large thick coat, a black bucket hat and a black mask. Luckily it was cold out today, so his outfit wouldn’t be too unusual. As long as he was discreet about leaving the SM building, preferably from the back entrance, he’d be fine. 

When the time came, it was 4:30pm, and Jaemin had just texted Jeno to let him know he was outside. He looked around. There were quite a few students still around, none of them paying Jaemin any attention. 

“Hey.” 

It was Jeno. And he looked breath-taking. Jaemin couldn’t take his eyes off him. He was wearing a smart blue button up shirt with off-white trousers and a long brown coat. His hair was freshly dyed a light brown colour. Jeno truly was gorgeous. Jaemin suddenly felt inferior, his entire face pretty much covered, and any fashion sense he had was sacrificed for privacy.

“Wow.” Was all Jaemin could muster, checking out Jeno from every angle. Jeno laughed and nervously scratched the back of his head, a small blush creeping up his ears.

“Thanks I think,” Jeno chuckled, tucking his hands in his pockets. 

“You seriously need to be a model, Jeno. You’re too hot for your own good.” Grinned Jaemin, winking and walking ahead of Jeno to show him the way. Jeno was too startled to even respond to that, and he was glad that Jaemin walked ahead so he wouldn’t be able to see the blush had reached his cheeks now.  
“Where are we going?” Jeno asked after they walked silently for a few minutes. It wasn’t an awkward or uncomfortable silence. Jeno felt happy about that. Jaemin turned around to smile at him and slow down to Jeno’s walking pace.

“The SM park. You aren’t supposed to be there, but I can sneak you in easily.” Smirked Jaemin, giving Jeno a playful nudge.

“Are we not eating then?”

“Did you want food? We can go out later if you want, I could make a reservation at an idol-only restaurant so we won’t get bothered.”

Jeno raised an eyebrow at Jaemin and laughed. He’d never heard of such a thing. An idol-only restaurant. It seemed like a very good idea, the more he thought about it. It must be irritating to be recognised and photographed at every public place you went to. Jeno didn’t think he could handle that. 

“I’m not an idol. Would I even be allowed in?”

“If you’re with me, they won’t stop it. I took my parents there a few times, and some old school friends. Besides, you already look like an idol trainee, so I doubt they’ll question it.” Jaemin replied with a soft smile, fiddling with his hands. He seemed nervous about something, and Jeno had caught onto it. He kept darting his head round as if to check if anyone was watching. Jeno hoped he was okay.

After about a 20 minute walk, the pair arrived outside a tall, grey building. All the windows were blacked out. It was nothing special on the outside. Any passerby would think it’s just another office. Jeno guessed this was to keep it secret.

“We’ll eat first and then go for a walk. Sound good?” Jaemin smiled as he pressed a button on the side of the building, before speaking quietly into the microphone. Jeno nodded in response, and followed Jaemin into the building after the doors clicked open. 

Jeno was amazed. The interior was beautiful. It was just the lobby, but it looked like a grand hotel, paintings scattered the walls and everything seemed to be covered in gold. Jaemin smiled fondly at Jeno as he strained his neck to witness every aspect of the building from head to toe. ‘So cute.’ He thought, before grabbing his arm and guiding him to an elevator. 

“The restaurant has like 8 floors, we’ll go to the 6th because that’s where most SM idols go.” Jaemin said, taking off his mask and hat and putting them into his pockets. Jeno finally got to admire how beautiful Jaemin truly was again. 

The two of them walked swiftly into the lift, and Jaemin’s hand was still attached to the sleeve of Jeno’s coat. Jeno couldn’t help but think of how cute Jaemin looked whilst he did this, and how he hadn’t let go yet. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask...why did you send me a letter with your number on it if you said we would never talk again after we had sex?”   
Jaemin choked on the air, surprised and amused at Jeno’s question. He let go of his arm and walked to the other side of the lift, looking him in the eyes.

“Something just told me you wanted to hear from me.” 

Jeno smiled warmly, averting his eyes from Jaemin’s intense gaze. The elevator dinged, signalling they had reached the floor. Jaemin took his arm again.

“I guess you were right.” Jeno replied. The doors opened.

‘Oh my god.’ Jeno’s mouth was hanging agape in an almost comical manner. There stood right in front of them waiting for the elevator was none other than Yuta Nakamoto, Jeno’s old classmate, and Lee Donghyuck, a member of Jaemin’s group. The four all stared at each other, clearly taken aback. Donghyuck’s eyes were fixated on Jaemin’s hand that had attached itself to Jeno’s arm. He looked a mix of confused and hurt. Jeno’s heart pounded as he looked from Donghyuck to Yuta. Yuta was just as handsome as Jeno could remember. 

“Jaemin, you really are making a damn fool of yourself. Did you forget what the managers lectured you about a few weeks ago? Or are you so unconcerned for your career and our other members over a boy that you’d sacrifice all of it? Thanks, Jaemin.” Haechan’s voice was cold, but sad. He pushed through the two of them, separating the hold that Jaemin had on Jeno. 

“What’s he talking about Jaemin?” Jeno asked, confused and slightly intimidated. Haechan scoffed and pushed a button in the elevator.

“If Jaemin really gave a shit, he’d tell you.” With that, the doors closed. Jaemin and Jeno stood there purplexed. Yuta looked the most confused out of everyone. Jaemin sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Let’s get a table. There’s something I need to tell you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I wanted to map out more of the plot and where I actually want this story to lead so it won't be rushed out. I now have a clear outline, I'm very excited for this story. I hope you enjoyed :)


	5. Chapter 5

“Let’s get a table. There’s something I need to tell you.” 

Jaemin looked apprehensive and sad, like he really didn’t want to tell Jeno. He’d never seen him make a face like that before. He didn’t just look sad, he looked almost broken. Despite Jeno’s curiosity, he didn’t want to cause Jaemin any pain.

“Jaemin, I-”

“Lee Jeno! Is that really you? It’s been years!” Jeno snapped back to the real world and out of his bubble with Jaemin. He’d completely forgotten Yuta, his ex classmate, was standing there waiting for the elevator. Jeno managed a smile, and Yuta fondly bowed to him.

“Hey Yuta. This is Jaemin. How have you been?” Smiles Jeno, nervously rubbing his arm and glancing over at Jaemin to check he was okay. He still looked sad, but not as hurt as before. He looked thankful for Yuta’s distraction.

“Of course I know Jaemin, we’re under the same company after all! I’ve been great, what about you?” Yuta laughs, swinging an arm around Jaemin. Jaemin smiles softly, leaning into Yuta, whispering a small “hey.”

“Not too bad. Studying my degree at Seoul University.” 

“Wow Jeno, that’s great! Congratulations buddy. I always thought you’d end up as an idol because of your dancing and looks, but I’m proud.”

Jeno wasn’t sure whether this was a backhanded compliment or not. But he smiled regardless, not wanting to offend Yuta.

“How do you two know each other?” Jaemin interjected, raising an eyebrow at Jeno. Yuta grinned and squeezed Jaemin into him even more.

“Let’s get a table and we can talk about it.” 

The three of them were all seated in a private corner of the restaurant at a round table. Yuta seemed overly enthusiastic over something, and Jaemin was just thankful he didn’t have to tell Jeno the truth. He knew he would eventually. Just not today. It could wait, it wasn’t necessary yet. 

As Yuta rambled on to Jeno and the two caught up, Jaemin was deep inside his thoughts. Donghyuck’s words echoed inside his brain and caused him a headache. ‘Jaemin, you really are making a damn fool of yourself. Did you forget what the managers lectured you about a few weeks ago? Or are you so unconcerned for your career and our other members over a boy that you’d sacrifice it all?’ No. Donghyuck was completely wrong, and if Jaemin hadn’t have been with Jeno, he would’ve said something back. If Jaemin didn’t feel so sad over his friends words, they would’ve made his blood boil. Donghyuck had no idea. 

Of course Jaemin cared. Talking to Jeno isn’t going to do him any harm. He invited Jeno out to get some sort of closure from him, that’s what he’d told himself anyway. Whether that was his actual intention, though, was another story. Donghyuck had some nerve telling Jaemin what he should and shouldn’t do. He was damn aware. He was even more aware of the risks of all of this, but bringing the other members into it just wasn’t fair. It was hard for Jaemin to hold back tears.

“Jaemin, are you okay?” Jeno waved his hands in front of Jaemin’s face. Jaemin nodded his head. 

“Sorry, I was just thinking. Anyway, how do you two know each other?”

Yuta smiled and ruffled Jaemin’s hair, then looked over at Jeno and winked. Jeno felt taken aback by this. His face flushed, and he glanced over at Jaemin who wore an unreadable expression.

“We were school buddies when I first moved to Korea. We used to hang out quite a bit, did projects together. It was fun. I wished Jeno would’ve kept in contact, but I understand why he didn’t.” Yuta’s face seemed sly, he was smirking and his eyes wouldn’t leave Jeno’s face. Jeno swallowed. ‘Did he know?’ He hoped Yuta didn’t know about his crush.

“You were busy as an idol trainee, didn’t want to distract you.” Jeno replied, avoiding Yuta’s gaze at all costs and looking over at Jaemin. Jaemin’s eyebrows were furrowed slightly, and he was frowning. Jeno didn’t have the audacity to suggest Jaemin looked slightly jealous, but that didn’t stop the thought from crossing through his head. 

“Right.” Smirked Yuta, taking a sip of his drink he’d ordered. “I won’t keep you two. Jeno, keep in touch. Give him my number Jaemin.” Standing up, Yuta saluted to the two and walked off. Jeno sighed of relief a bit too loudly. Jaemin definitely heard that. 

Jaemin moved to sit in front of Jeno, finally taking his coat off. He was wearing a plain pink shirt, but Jeno thought it was still nice enough to make Jaemin look as gorgeous as always. He also noticed that the slight expression of jealousy hadn’t left Jaemin’s face. Biting his lip, Jaemin ran a hand through his hair and finally looked Jeno in the eye. Jeno lifted his water to his mouth, taking a sip.

“You used to have a crush on him, didn’t you?”

Jeno spit the water back into the cup. Why did Jaemin have to be so forward? So...confrontational? He had no trouble asking Jeno to sleep with him, no trouble talking so confidently to him. Jeno had wished for confidence like that, but god, did it make things harder for him sometimes. 

“What makes you say that?” 

Jaemin hummed, placing his hand on his chin in a comical way. It annoyed Jeno slightly, but he brushed it aside. 

“Just a hunch.” Jaemin smirked, in a teasing tone. Jeno rolled his eyes and smiled at him. Sighing, Jaemin leaned back on the chair and closed his eyes. He felt peaceful. The restaurant was quiet, and he was with Jeno. The two ordered their food, well, Jaemin ordered for Jeno and refused to let him see the prices, demanding he paid for them both, and continued their conversation. 

Jeno was beautiful. In every way. Jaemin thought he was so lucky to have found a friend like him. He wasn’t judgemental at all. He was kind and considerate, he didn’t ask about Donghyuck. When Jaemin seemed down or reluctant to answer a question, Jeno would quickly change the subject with a warm smile. Perhaps Jeno could be the one to help Jaemin’s heart heal from a lot of the hurt he’d been through the past few years. He thought that Jeno’s smile alone was healing. It was so genuine. Jeno made Jaemin feel happy, genuinely happy. 

Learning more about Jeno also made him happy. His allergy to cats yet still having cats because he loves them was adorable, the fact that he loved watermelons so much he always went out of his way to buy one every week was cute and funny, his love for the Lion king which Jaemin insisted they watch together, everything about Jeno made Jaemin’s heart feel warm. Jeno made him forget the fact he’d be in a lot of shit with Donghyuck later, but he didn’t care. Carefree. That’s what Jeno made him feel. 

He didn’t feel as reluctant to share things with Jeno either. He was open and honest about himself. Jaemin didn’t mind if Jeno knew everything there was to know about him. He wanted him to know. 

“I’m sorry if this is a bit intrusive Jaemin, but why didn’t you kiss me?” Jeno had been nervous to ask that question, but it had been sitting on the edge of his tongue for too long before he let it slip. His other question of ‘did you intentionally have bad sex with me?’ could wait for another day.

Jeno observed Jaemin’s face as he hesitated to answer the question. 

“If you don’t want to-”

“It’s fine, Jeno. Well, if you want the truth, I think kissing is a very intimate thing. Sometimes more so than actually having sex with someone. I don’t know, it’s something that lovers do when they greet each other or to say goodbye. A kiss is an act of love, and sex just seems to have lost that element these days but...I don’t know I probably sound like an idiot. “ 

Jeno smiled. Jaemin was really cute. He had a soft side to him, one that Jeno didn’t think he’d witness, and he was glad he finally did. 

“You don’t sound like an idiot, Jaemin. I actually think that’s really sweet.” Jeno smiled. Jaemin’s ears went slightly red, and he looked down, not being able to look into Jeno’s eyes. 

“Thank you...and, I’m sorry, by the way. About when we slept together, it was really…”

“I know why you did it. Me and my friend looked it up online.”

Jaemin snorted and burst into fits of laughter, clapping his hands together. That was the funniest thing he’d heard in years, or maybe ever. The thought of Jeno telling his friend about the bad sex he had and then just googling why online afterwards genuinely made Jaemin lose it. It was too funny. 

“Jeno, that’s truly the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.” Jaemin sighed when he’d finally calmed down. Jeno was grinning at him, obviously amused too. “But honestly, it relieves me to know. Because I thought we might never talk again, I didn’t intend on telling you, but I’m glad this has cleared things up.” 

Jaemin looked genuinely thankful that he didn’t have to tell Jeno, and Jeno was pleased Renjun had talked him into searching it up. Well, if they hadn’t, would Jeno have been sat here now talking to Jaemin? Possibly not. 

“I’m glad I can make you smile.” Jeno mumbled, but Jaemin still heard it.

God, he really was so lucky to have found someone like Jeno. There was no way in hell he could let him go now. Absolutely not.  
After they finished their meal, Jaemin swiftly brought the two outside of a gated park. The gates were high, much higher than the two of them, and the gate was locked by a passcode and a card. Jeno felt hesitant to go in, it seemed very private and Jeno knew he shouldn’t really be there. His nerves got the better of him in times like this, and it would be hard for him to think rationally. 

“What if we die?”

“Huh?!” Jaemin finished typing in a key and turned around with a look of shock and amusement on his face. Looking down, Jeno swallowed nervously. 

“Sorry, I’m just worried because of how secretive and private this all looks.”

Jaemin’s expression softened, and he took Jeno’s hand, squeezing it. Jeno felt his heart thump loudly in his chest, so loudly he thought maybe Jaemin could hear it. There goes Jaemin again with his unchallenged confidence. 

“We’ll be fine.” Smiled Jaemin, tugging Jeno into the park and quickly closing the gate behind them. 

Taken-aback was an understatement. Jeno had been shocked by the restaurant earlier, but not to the extent of the garden. It was truly magnificent, like some forbidden fairytale land that only a few could access. The trees were long and full of bright green leaves, there were roses of all kinds with luscious green grass as far as the eye could see. It was paradise. 

“You like it huh?” Smirked Jaemin. Jeno was, once again, brought back to reality. Jaemin had taken his hat off and put it in his pocket, his mask under his chin, and his hand still gripping firmly to Jeno’s. Jeno was feeling a lot of emotions, too many to even describe. The way Jaemin smiled at him as he led them through the park, not even flinching to let go of Jeno’s hand.   
After strolling for about five minutes in a silence that was far from awkward, Jaemin led them to a bench tucked away under a huge willow tree. It was like a scene out of a movie. 

“I really appreciate you wanting to meet me again.” Jaemin sighed after they sat down. He leaned into Jeno, resting his head on his shoulder. ‘Now Jaemin can 100% hear my heartbeat,’ Jeno thought, his face burning. He was glad Jaemin’s eyes were closed, he hated the fact that it was so easy for him to blush. But right now, all Jeno felt was peace. 

Three hours later~

Jaemin decided to take the front entrance to the dorms. He instantly regretted it. He’d expected all the members to be waiting for him in his room, but only Haechan was there. Haechan was sat on the couch, flicking through the TV, presumably to pass the time while he waited to yell at Jaemin again. Jaemin closed his door with a loud click because he knew there was no point trying to be subtle about his entrance. The confrontation that awaited him now was unavoidable. 

Jaemin didn’t expect to see Haechan with blood-shot eyes and obviously tear-stained puffy cheeks. He rarely saw him cry. In fact, he could count the amount of times he’d seen him cry on his right hand. This was completely unlike him. Something must be very wrong and Jaemin prayed it wasn’t just because of him. He didn’t know he was capable of making Haechan that upset. 

“Donghyuck, I’m so sorry. What’s wrong are you okay?” Jaemin was willing to put past any of his own hurt to comfort his friend. He ran over and hugged Donghyuck tightly, squeezing him into him. Haechan sniffed and sighed loudly.

“Jaemin, we really need to talk. Please. I’m sorry about earlier, I really am. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like I did earlier. There’s other things I need to say, too…” Haechan rambled, slowly pulling away from Jaemin’s embrace to rub his eyes. Jaemin sighed and leaned back against the sofa. 

“I’m sorry, too, Donghyuck, for keeping things with Jeno from you. I shouldn’t have lied to you.” 

Haechan smiled softly in response, but he still looked sad.

“Jaemin, the managers...want to see you.”

Jaemin’s face fell. It all made sense then. Of course Donghyuck wouldn’t just cry over something like an argument between the two. The managers must have said something really bad, perhaps Haechan had tried to defend him, but it looked really serious. Jaemin internally cursed himself. If this was a warning, it would be his second. One more strike and he would be out. He remembered their previous meeting, and everything they’d told him.   
‘It’s not right, Jaemin.’ ‘It’s unnatural.’ ‘You are careless. You aren’t protecting your public image.’ ‘Do you want a scandal?’ ‘You’re letting everybody down.’ 

“It’s about me being...about me liking a boy, isn’t it?” Jaemin sighed, running a hand through his hair. Haechan bit his lip and looked down. Jaemin had grown to understand a little more now why him and Mark had been so secretive. Perhaps it really was for their own good. 

“Yeah...but, it’s worse this time Jaemin. Someone must have tipped off the press that you were at the restaurant...there’s pictures, Jaemin. Pictures of you holding hands with Jeno...this is bad. Really bad.” 

Jaemin’s heart froze. His stomach dropped. He knew exactly who had told the press.

Yuta Nakamoto.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I just started uni again, and also wrote some other stories (check them out) because I was lost with this story for a bit and was worried you guys weren't liking it...but I am back now!   
Also, I know that in this chapter whether Yuta leaked the photos or not is unanswered, but please bear with me. Hope you enjoy :)

A month had passed since Jeno last contacted Jaemin. Not like Jaemin had bothered to contact him, either. His group had just come back and their single was top of the charts, as well as their album. Jeno was happy for him, he really was. Jaemin’s face was everywhere, though. Billboards, posters. There weren't many places Jeno could escape him. Especially not his own head. And especially not his classmates. Not now, anyway.

Things would never be the same, now. Jeno didn’t even bother trying to avoid it anymore. Pictures of him and Jaemin together, holding hands, hugging, everyone had seen them. A moment so personal to Jeno, and they were everywhere. Even his own sister had seen. He’d begged her not to show their parents. She agreed, but warned him it wouldn’t be long before they saw too.

It wasn’t exactly a scandal, not in Jeno’s eyes anyway, but the media had jumped all over it, each with their own opinions. Many mainstream outlets had described Jeno as a mysterious SM trainee, others had said an old school friend of Jaemin, and the ones that hit him the most, Jeno was Jaemin’s secret lover. I mean, that wasn’t entirely wrong. But whatever it was the two had, it was definitely over now. The days Jeno had spent alongside SM managers and higher-ups in the company over this had resulted in him being dragged into a modelling contract for the next five years. In the eyes of the public, as an official statement was put out by SM, Jeno was nothing more than a close friend of Jaemin’s, someone who just happens to be under the same company as him. 

Jaemin wasn’t involved in the meeting. In fact, the last time Jeno had seen him was when he passed down the halls of SM to leave after a final meeting, and he had looked...terrible. The way he looked had hurt Jeno badly. He looked so sad, with dark circles under his eyes, and his hair recently dyed a dark brown colour that only seemed to make him look more depressed. As the two had passed each other, they made eye contact, but there was no friendliness in the air. Jaemin was cold. He seemed colder now, even online. His idol persona remained positive and bubbly, but there was no sparkle in his eyes during interviews when he spoke about his passions, his group, him. 

Jeno blamed himself badly. He’d spent so many nights crying over the situation. He couldn’t even imagine the pain Jaemin must have gone through, especially with his management. Jeno had no idea if they knew about his sexuality, or what they said to him the last time he was spotted leaving Jeno’s apartment. The more Jeno dwelled on it, the more he realised he truly knew nothing about Na Jaemin. Sure, he knew his likes, dislikes, random facts and childhood memories, but he didn’t know him. He never knew, and now, would never know the thoughts that haunted Jaemin the most, what his deepest regret is, his deepest secrets, what motivates him to get up in the morning, or when he felt the most love. Life must be hell for him, Jeno believed.

Not that his was any better these days. The whispers behind his back, the stares, all eyes were on him, especially at school. 

“Is that Lee Jeno? The new SM trainee?”

“Shh, look, it’s Lee Jeno. Jaemin’s friend.” “Ha, more like boyfriend.”

“Do you really think Jeno is gay? He doesn’t strike me as gay.”

“Who does he think he is, touching Jaemin like that? I bet Jaemin hates him.” 

Jeno had heard it all by now. Renjun had advised him to ignore it, but ignoring was harder than Renjun had made it seem. Much harder. Jeno had already struggled with his sexuality over Jaemin, and now everyone was assuming it, pushing it in his face and telling him what he was. It was so personal to Jeno, and in all honesty, something he hoped he’d never have to directly address head on. He liked girls and Jaemin. That was enough for him. He didn’t just need to prove his sexuality to himself, now, for some reason, he had to prove it to everyone else too.

“Jeno, are you sure about this?” Renjun questioned, fidgeting on the end of Jeno’s bed as his friend got changed into a smart attire. Jeno sighed and nodded his head fevoursly. 

“Of course I’m sure, I really like her. It’s just a date, Renjun, chill out.” Jeno replied, a smile on his face as he combed his hair, his back to Renjun as he checked himself in the mirror. 

“That’s not what I mean, Jeno. I meant what about Jae-”

“Stop.” Jeno groaned, a little too loudly and with more force than he’d intended. Just over a month ago, his world had come crashing down. Classmates had turned against him, others had overbeared him with attention, and this girl he’d met was the only decent person he knew since then. Flat out drunk, Jeno had been in a bar the night after the pictures leaked. He didn’t remember much, but he remembered how the girl had approached him with kindness, bought him a taxi home and stayed to look after him. Jeno had woken up fully clothed, with a splitting headache, and a pretty girl sat on the end of his bed, holding his hand. She didn’t know his name, age, or anything about him, but she’d looked after him and not tried anything in Jeno’s drunk state. He really liked her. 

“You know me and him can’t happen, recent events have proven that and nearly ruined my life. Just let me have this one, please Renjun.” Jeno turned around and faced his friend, but Renjun still didn’t look convinced. He knew it would take more than that for Renjun to stop hassling him about Jaemin, but he just didn’t need that right now.

“Fine. I just don’t want to see you hurt again. It was hard for me, too, seeing you cry so much over-”

“Would you cut it out?!” Jeno was aware of his raised voice now. Renjun wasn’t phased though, and he didn’t reply. Standing up, Renjun just shook his head at Jeno and left his room, closing the door quietly. 

Jeno was aware that Renjun was probably right. He could admit he was still caught up on Jaemin, but he had to let him go. Sure, he’d reached out a few times over text, but Jeno had more self respect than to text Jaemin for a sixth time without him replying, leaving him on read. He didn’t blame him, though. He knew how tough the idol world was, it was bad enough having a dating scandal, let alone a gay dating scandal. Jeno didn’t want to get involved, and he especially didn’t want to ruin Jaemin’s career over it. His feelings weren’t worth that. 

There was a knock on the door.

“Piss off Renjun, not now.” Jeno groaned, sitting down at his desk. The door creaked open slowly.

“Actually, it’s not Renjun.”

Jeno swivelled around in his chair and locked eyes with the stranger entering his room. 

“Oh, hi Johnny. What’s up?”

Jeno wouldn’t consider him and Johnny friends. They lived in the apartment together, along with Renjun and a few others, but they’d never really spoken properly or had any kind of meaningful conversation. They’d bump into each other in the kitchen if they were cooking at the same time, or putting away groceries, exchange how their days went, and say their goodbyes. It wasn’t that Jeno didn’t like him. In fact, he thought he was a very cool guy. He was friendly, approachable, tall as hell, and handsome. But Jeno was rather reserved, so it was easy to feel intimidated by someone like that.

“I heard you’ve got a date.” Johnny grinned, looking Jeno up and down. Jeno rolled his eyes. Renjun sure loved to gossip these days. 

“Yeah, why?”

“Just thought I’d give you a fashion evaluation, that’s all.”

Jeno snorted. Sure, Johnny was fashionable, but if that was his way of telling Jeno he needed to up his game, he’d gone about it the right way.

“Go ahead.” Laughed Jeno, standing up and picking up his bag, preparing to leave once Johnny was done with whatever his ‘evaluation’ was. Johnny looked Jeno up and down, crossed his arms and nodded. He didn’t look pleased, but he didn’t look displeased either. 

“It’ll do.” Smirked Johnny, stepping outside Jeno’s apartment to allow Jeno to lock his door. Jeno just sighed, but he couldn’t wipe the grin off his face.

“By the way man...are you okay?”

‘Oh here we go,’ Jeno thought. The real reason Johnny had imposed himself on Jeno’s life so suddenly. He didn’t want to give him a ‘fashion evaluation’ or care about his date. He wanted to ask about Jaemin. Jeno suspected that Johnny had told his friends he was his roommate, and they’d pestered him to get gossip out of him. Well, that wasn’t going to happen. Jeno wanted nothing more than to forget about Jaemin from now on.

~

There was no way Jaemin could forget about Jeno. His punishment had been...severe. Jaemin hadn’t told any of his friends, he couldn’t even bring himself to. All they knew was that Jaemin was banned from his phone, banned from going outside unaccompanied by a manager or at least three other members, and that Jaemin was miserable. Hiding himself, hiding who he truly was, was so much harder than it ever had been before.

The previous night Jaemin and Haechan had gone live to talk about their comeback and upcoming shows, and it had been so hard for Jaemin to ignores comments like: 

‘Jaemin-hyung, if you’re gay, please give me advice on coming out. I love you!’  
‘Are you really gay? We love you no matter what.’  
‘Your fans want you to just be happy.’  
‘The trainee is really handsome...we both like him hehe.’

He read them, not out loud of course, and he wanted nothing more than to tell them it would be okay, they are loved no matter what, and you are just as capable of being loved as everyone else. But he couldn’t. He was currently on lockdown in his own ‘home’ for nearly being outed, and if an incident like this happened again, his contract would be terminated. He’d really considered that, at his lowest point. But unless he took his company to court over that matter, he would never see any of the money he’d made again. It wasn’t worth the hassle. Jaemin’s contract lasted until he was 23, so unless he wanted to renew it, which was highly doubtful at this point, he only had three years left.

But that was three years without Jeno. Three years constantly lying to himself and fans, telling them everything is fine, he’s sorry for the trouble he caused, but he is okay. He’s really not. Every day since the incident it had become harder and harder for Jaemin to motivate himself to even get out of bed. If Mark wasn’t dragging him to the shower, it’d be Haechan forcing him to eat and get dressed. They were all worried, he could tell, he was worried for himself too. But he was a lost cause at this point. He’d just be good for the next sixth months until he could finally get his phone back. After that, he’d have to see.

“You’re coming out with me tonight.” Mark demanded, throwing a pillow at Jaemin. It was Saturday, and they usually had a concert to perform, but luckily it had been postponed until the following week. That meant a day off. A day off to Jaemin meant sleeping away his sadness. Being awake sucked. 

“No.” Jaemin sighed, rolling over on his bed. 

“Jaemin, I specifically requested from the managers that they let me take you out tonight. Just the two of us, clubbing, drinking, you know, what normal twenty year olds are meant to do?” Mark sounded agitated, but Jaemin could tell Mark really meant what he was saying. Jaemin hadn’t properly been out in, well, months. He wasn’t the drinking type, but he knew Mark was, so it would probably be a funny experience.

“Alright fine. What time?” 

“Yes! We can leave here around 8, grab something to eat first, and then head out. Sound good?” Mark sounded so happy, so enthusiastic. Being around Mark made Jaemin feel better, his energy always so positive and bright. If him going out for a few hours was enough to make Mark feel happy, that would make Jaemin feel better about himself. 

“Cool.” Jaemin smiled back, finally sitting up in his bed. Mark perches at the end of his bed, his smile slowly fading. Jaemin knew where this was going.

“Are you ready to talk about-?”

“No.” Jaemin groaned, throwing his legs to the side in an attempt to get up and leave the conversation.

“Jaemin, it’s been over a month, come on man.”

Mark looked sincere, he really did. Jaemin didn’t know how much longer he could keep it in that he was hurting so much. He didn’t want to burden everyone, especially because of how excited everyone was due to their comeback. Maybe he could tell Mark a little, it wouldn’t hurt, right?

“I’m gay.” Jaemin sighed, avoiding Mark’s gaze.

“Jaemin, you already came out to us a few years ago.”

“I know, but this time it’s different.”

“How so?”

“Well,” Jaemin took a deep breath, “now it doesn’t feel the same. Before, I was gay, and that didn’t matter. But now it does. Now it feels like the whole world is watching me, is Jaemin gay or not? I wasn’t hiding before, but now I am. The managers don’t even want me to touch you guys in interviews or on vlive in case people get the wrong idea. They won’t let me have my phone. They forced Jeno to accept a bullshit contract just to protect me, whatever the hell that means. As long as I’m in this group, under this contract, I can never be gay, and Mark, that is fucking hard.” 

Mark didn’t say anything for a while. Jaemin could tell from the look on his face that he was processing everything that had just been said. Maybe he’d laid too much on Mark, maybe he should tell him not to worry, and he’ll just see him later when they have to go out.

“I’m...kinda gay too.” 

“Oh?” Jaemin raises an eyebrow at Mark. After years of secrecy between him and Donghyuck, was Mark finally going to let Jaemin in and tell him? 

“Yeah...I’m sure you already know that. But you’re right, it is hard. Hiding yourself hurts, and it can hurt others too.” Mark looks like he’s processing another thought, deciding on whether he should say it or not.

But he doesn’t say anything. He just sighs and looks up, meeting Jaemin’s gaze. If Jaemin was wearing his glasses, he might have been able to see the tears forming in Mark’s eyes better, but Jaemin could still tell. All this time, Mark had been suffering too, probably even more. Everyone knew about Mark and Donghyuck, but no one knew about why they hid it. Jaemin had some idea of why they did now, after all he’d been through.

“Whatever you’re going through, Mark, I’ll be here for you.” Jaemin smiled and took Mark’s hands, squeezing them tightly. He knew Mark wasn’t one for skinship, but he definitely needed it now. Mark looked thankful, and smiled softly at Jaemin.

“And Mark,” Jaemin continued, “I hope one day you’ll feel comfortable enough to tell the others.” 

Mark nodded and pulled his hands away, standing up and heading towards the door.

“Thank you, really. I’ll see you later.”

And with that, he was gone, and Jaemin was left to his own thoughts again. Jaemin knew that at some point in Mark’s head, he’d debated on telling him about Donghyuck. Jaemin really wished he had, but perhaps now wasn’t the time.

He felt inspired. Reaching under his bed, Jaemin grabbed his song book and started scribbling down some lyrics.

‘This the kinda love they say is wrong   
This what I’ve been waiting for so long  
Feel you on my body when you’re gone  
We go back to the start when you’re back in my arms like  
Back when we were laying on your floor  
Hoping no one opens up the door  
Feel you on my body wanting more  
We go back to the start when you’re back in my arms’

Jaemin spent the next few hours by his guitar and notebook, writing down more lyrics and chords to use. This song felt so personal to him, yet he’d also thought about Mark and Donghyuck when writing the lyrics. He often wrote songs, but they’d never be heard by the world. This time, Jaemin wanted to change that. He could access twitter on his laptop. First, he’d have to record the song, post it on soundcloud and then share the link. It wouldn’t be a studio version of the song, just simple. Conveying one overbearing message- he was in love, and people were telling him it was wrong. But all he wanted was Jeno back in his arms.

Five hours later, Jaemin took a deep breath and published a link to the finished song on his group’s twitter, captioned ‘Just having some fun writing and singing my own song. What do you guys think?’ 

He knew exactly what his managers would think. But that could wait until tomorrow, because for now, Mark was knocking at his door, and he had a whole night of drinking to forget about tomorrow.

~

Full lyrics (adapted to fit this fic). Song- Back in my arms by Carlie Hanson

Know I can’t control this, heightened my emotions, you can make me feel brand new  
Distance hard to cope with, find someone to talk with, cuz nothing really feels like you  
All we have is on the phone. All we have is all I know. When you hang up, don’t let go. Don’t let go  
This the kinda love they say is wrong, this what I’ve been waiting for so long  
Feel you on my body when you’re gone  
We go back to the start when you’re back in my arms like  
Back when we were laying on your floor hoping no one opens up the door  
Feel you on my body wanting more  
We go back to the start when you’re back in my arms

Saw you in that red set doing so much damage  
Fuck me up, no, I don’t mind  
You’re something that I can’t forget like inhaling a cigarette  
Hit me and it’s so divine  
All we have is on the phone. All we have is all I know. When you hang up, don’t let go. Don’t let go  
This the kinda love they say is wrong, this what I’ve been waiting for so long  
Feel you on my body when you’re gone  
We go back to the start when you’re back in my arms like  
Back when we were laying on your floor hoping no one opens up the door  
Feel you on my body wanting more  
We go back to the start when you’re back in my arms


	7. Chapter 7

“I can’t fucking believe you posted that. You’re dead.” Mark howled with laughter in the bar, drunkenly throwing his arm around Jaemin’s shoulder. Mark was clearly already wasted, sober him wouldn’t be laughing at the fact Jaemin had well and truly put his foot in it now by publishing his song.

“I can’t believe it either, Mark, I just felt like I had to. I’m sorry if I get kicked out, never forget me.” Jaemin cooed back, not quite as drunk as Mark, but definitely not sober. His mind was clouded with thoughts of Jeno and the booming music in the background. He couldn’t think straight. He’d noticed a lot of eyes on him, he was definitely recognised, but he didn’t care. Phones weren’t allowed in this place, anyway. 

He wanted nothing more than to forget. He didn’t know why he hadn’t decided to drink sooner. Perhaps sober him hadn’t wanted it to turn into a bad habit. Whatever the reason, Jaemin couldn’t remember. He also couldn’t remember how long it was until he noticed the back of a familiar boy in the club. A boy he definitely did not want to see. 

“Yuta you bastard.” Jaemin yelled, falling onto Yuta’s back in an attempt at kicking him slightly. Turning around from the bar in surprise, Yuta gripped Jaemin’s shoulders, a look of concern on his face. 

“Jaemin?! Are you okay?” 

“I know it was you.” Jaemin groaned, his head spinning, and he managed to steady himself, standing on his own two feet. Yuta raised an eyebrow. 

“What was me?”

“The pictures. Of me and Jeno. I know you leaked them.” Jaemin’s yell sounded more like a cry now, and his voice cracked with emotion. Yuta’s expression softened, and he ushered for Jaemin to sit down on a chair next to him. 

“Jaemin, I swear to you now, I would never do that.” Yuta sighed, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair. Jaemin wasn’t convinced. 

“Yes you would. You like Jeno!” Jaemin probably wasn’t being rational anymore. Jeno and Yuta hadn’t seen each other in over a decade, but Jaemin’s rationality had been left in his sobriety. 

“Jaemin, I have no interest in Jeno. I know you both like each other, why would I ruin that?” 

Jaemin tried to process the thought. Sober Jaemin had considered this. Yuta hadn’t seen Jeno in years, why would he try and ruin Jaemin’s career over it, especially if they respected each other? Rationality had flown out the picture along with Jaemin’s sanity when he’d been told he was incredibly close to his contract being terminated. There was nothing Jaemin wanted other than being a performer and being close to his fans. Although he was making enough money now for him to more than likely retire in the next few years and never work again, he wasn’t an idol for the money. Singing and dancing were hobbies he was extremely passionate about which he was lucky enough to turn into a job. His fans also meant so much to him. He really didn’t want to throw it all away, but the more he cursed himself over his doubt the more he clung to Jeno.

Donghyuck had tried to reason with him too many times for Jaemin’s liking over the last few depressing weeks.   
“It’s not Jeno you like, it’s the idea of him.”  
“Jeno represents a freedom to be yourself and out in your sexuality. It’s just a crush.”

Jaemin knew Donghyuck was right. Perhaps Jeno was just a fleeting crush and emotion. It would just be better for the two of them to never meet again.

And yet there he was, Lee Jeno himself, stumbling into the club with a pretty girl attached to his arm. The alcohol still clouded Jaemin’s mind, any other day he wouldn’t have faced him like this. His stomach dropped as the girl draped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. ‘He’ll say no. He’ll back away.’ Jaemin thought to himself.

Jeno didn’t back away. In fact, he held his grip on her waist tighter, and pulled her closer to him. A pit of dread and jealousy formed inside of Jaemin, so much so, he couldn’t even tell that Yuta had now disappeared, and Mark was passed out on the chair Jaemin had left him in. His only thought was Jeno. 

How could Jeno do this? He thought they had something. Well, did they really? They only properly hung out a few times, had a few conversations here and there whilst Jeno worked, they texted every few days before Jaemin’s phone ban. Had Jaemin been looking too much into it? He fell too fast, it seemed. And Jeno apparently had already moved on.

Jaemin was frozen to the spot. He couldn’t take his eyes off of the way Jeno’s hands roamed the girl’s back, playing with her hair, caressing her head...everything he’d never done with Jaemin. He’d never even kissed him. Jaemin definitely regretted it looking back. Now, he wasn’t one to cry, but as he ordered himself three shots of vodka and proceeded to down them all in seconds, the tears began to flow. He’d felt nothing but numbness for weeks, and how every agonising emotion he’d ever felt since he first left Jeno’s apartment seemed to flow out.

A few girls came up to Jaemin a couple of times, either trying to comfort him or hook up with him, he didn’t know or care, but he brushed them all aside. Every time he looked up, Jeno was still dancing with that girl, holding her just as close, and holding her in a way he’d never hold Jaemin. 

“Is that Jeno?” Mark had woken up now, but the slur in his words indicated that he was very much still intoxicated. Jaemin was too far gone to even reply, he just laughed and slammed his head against the table.

“Go n talk to him.” Mark sighed, clearly having sobered up from his nap and consistent water consumption.

“I’ll let him fuck her first.” Jaemin groans, gesturing over towards Jeno. Mark sighed again, and rolled his eyes, his hand extending to Jaemin’s shoulder and giving it a soft rub. 

“I doubt he’s going to do that.”

“Who knows.” Jaemin laughs again, attempting at standing up. He loses his balance and falls to the floor, banging his head against the bar. The noise is rather abrupt and disturbs the crowd of people. ‘Fuck.’

Jeno was swiftly making his way through the crowd, pushing past everyone without a second glance in an attempt to reach Jaemin as quickly as possible. As drunk as Jaemin was, he could still tell Jeno was beautiful. He looked a little dishevelled, and lipstick was smudged on his lips, along with his hair sticking to his head from sweat. But to Jaemin, he looked perfect. His eyes were deep with concern, and Jaemin could tell he was nervous.

“Jaemin…” Was all Jeno could manage, kneeling down opposite the boy. 

“Fuck I miss you.” Jaemin practically moaned, grabbing Jeno by the wrist and pulling him into his chest. He couldn’t help but embrace him, wrapping his arms around his neck and burying his face in his chest. Jeno sat down to properly reciprocate the hug, his own arms cuddling him close.

“Why didn’t you text me? After the pictures leaked, I thought you hated me…” Jeno sighed, pulling back, only to receive a whine from Jaemin as he pulled him closer again.

“Company banned me from it. I thought you hated me.” Jaemin let out a soft sob, something he’d be way too embarrassed to do on any other occasion.   
“Who’s she?” Jaemin continued, glancing over Jeno’s shoulder to see the girl he’d been with earlier awkwardly clutching her bag.

“She’s…” Jeno began, but he wasn’t given a chance before the girl knelt down beside them, a glint in her eyes.

“Na Jaemin? I am such a huge fan oh my god.” 

Even in Jaemin’s drunken state, he couldn’t dismiss how quickly she pushed past Jeno, the man she’d came here with, and shoved him out the way desperately clinging at Jaemin’s hands. It aggravated Jaemin the way she’d cast him aside so quickly, but she was a fan, he had to treat her kindly.

“Oh really?” Jaemin smiled, holding her hand and looking up at her. He could see now why Jeno was interested in her. She truly was beautiful. 

“Yes! Oh my god I love you so much, I was so worried about you after that scandal. I wanted to find you and tell you how much your fans love you.” 

Jaemin felt uneasy now. Before, he thought she’d just been so careless to Jeno because she was in shock of seeing Jaemin. But now he noticed her face twisted into a sort of ecstatic smile that made her look somewhat crazy. Jeno was still kneeling down on the floor, just beside the girl now with a confused look on his face.

“Thank you for your support.” Jaemin grinned, attempting to shake her hand off but to no avail. 

“Jaemin please let me get to know you more. Could I buy you a drink? Could I have your number?” 

Jeno side-eyed Jaemin. Perhaps, Jaemin thought to himself, he should agree. Jeno had provoked him enough by already bringing a girl with him. He’d tossed Jaemin aside and hurt his feelings, he was at fault for all of Jaemin’s distress in recent weeks. 

“I’m an idol, I think giving you my number would be inappropriate.” 

Jaemin didn’t dare look at Jeno. He could already feel his intense gaze burning into the side of his face.

“Oh...I guess you’re right...but could I at least buy you a drink?” The girl pleaded, clasping Jaemin’s hands against her heart. Jaemin smirked.

“Only if he’s paying.” And he gestured towards Jeno, looking him straight in the eyes.

The night went on awkwardly. The girl had insisted on sitting next to Jaemin, and on the other side of Jaemin, there was Mark, so Jeno was forced to sit further away than Jaemin would’ve liked. Jaemin had been drinking water consistently for an hour now, and he was sobering up enough to tell the girl was definitely flirting with him. 

It’s not like he wasn’t used to this. There’d been many occasions where fans just happened to run into him and then would try and make a move. In the past, he’d been careless enough to let the move happen sometimes. It sparked a few rumours back in his early days as an idol, but they never came to light to cause a huge controversy. Not like the controversy Jaemin had caused over Jeno. 

“Jaemin-oppa, you’re so much more handsome in person.” She cooed, reaching over to grab at his shirt. 

“You’re not too bad yourself, Jo.” Jaemin replied, a wide smirk on his face as he couldn’t help but take a peek at Jeno’s emerging jealousy. The girl, her name Jo, blushed and covered her mouth. 

“I can’t believe Jaemin-oppa just called me attractive.” She retorted to no one in particular. Jeno just rolled his eyes and took a long swig of beer.

“Jeno is attractive too.” Jaemin grinned, timing it just right so Jeno could choke on his beer. Jo glanced briefly at Jeno, rolled her eyes and then turned back to Jaemin.

“Yeah, I guess...you two are dating right?”

The atmosphere suddenly turned from awkward to panicked. Mark was passed out again, completely oblivious to any of his surroundings. This time, Jeno was the one to smirk.

“No. We’re not. Never were and never will. I’m not into guys.” 

‘Ooh. That burned.’ Jaemin thought. He knew they seemed to be in some sort of battle of trying to hurt each other now, or at least annoy each other. Jo raised her eyebrows at the two.

“That makes sense then...because I was surprised when Jeno asked me out on a date.” 

“A date huh?” Jaemin took a sip of his beer and glanced over at Jeno who was clearly avoiding his gaze. 

“Yes, a date.” Jeno cleared just throat and slammed his glass down a little too loudly onto the bar. Jo shrunk down in her seat slightly, almost as if she could sense the change in atmosphere. 

“And how’s that going for you? Is she interested in any other guys?” 

Jeno’s seat made an awful screeching sound as he stood up and paced over to Jaemin, grabbing him by his collar. It looked like he’d finally snapped. 

“Shut the fuck up Jaemin. Stop trying to get involved in my life and stop trying to ruin the one good thing that’s happened to me since you made my life a living hell.” 

Jeno released him with a force that threw Jaemin out of his chair, and he stormed off, seemingly to the exit of the club. Jaemin was stunned and speechless. 

“Go after him.”

Jaemin turned around and noticed Jo giving him a small smile. 

“But he just-“

“Jaemin. I am a huge fan of yours. I will love and support you no matter what. But if you don’t go after Jeno right now, I might have to unstan.” 

Jaemin’s legs moved before his brain decided on what to do. Clearly, his heart already knew. Jaemin found Jeno leaning against a wall in the back of the club, somewhat reminiscent of their first meeting. It was like he was waiting for Jaemin to go after him. 

“Jeno. I’m so sorry. I’ve been so hurt these last few weeks without you. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep, all I wanted was to see you but I wasn’t even allowed out my own room without staff. I shouldn’t even be here right now but Mark brought me here. I’m so sorry Jeno. You have every right to be mad at me.” 

Jaemin stood in front of him, his eyes tearing up again. Jeno sighed and finally looked up, meeting the others gaze. 

“You know my life isn’t the same anymore, right? People call me gay who don’t even know me, I hear whispers all the time whenever I go outside. My parents might disown me if they find out.” Jeno’s voice was shaky, and Jaemin could tell he’d been bottling this all up for a long time now. It pained him to see Jeno in this way. 

“It’s my fault, I’m so sorry I took your hand that day.” Looking for any form of forgiveness, Jaemin grabbed the end of Jeno’s sleeve, biting his lip. Jeno just sighed again. 

“Your apologies won’t bring my normal life back. I feel like quitting my job, but the modelling contract pays quite good so it shouldn’t matter.” 

Jaemin felt the wall between them grow thicker. Jeno was no longer the blushing and stuttering mess he was when he first met him, he was now calm and cold. Perhaps he really had moved on.

“Jeno...I wrote a song about us. I published it tonight. I want you to hear it.” 

“Come back to my place and show it to me.”

“Huh?” Jaemin’s breath caught in his throat. Jeno smirked, and shook Jaemin’s grip off of him.

“Taxi. Straight there. Tell Mark or whatever.” 

Jaemin knew he shouldn’t. He could tell from the glint in Jeno’s eyes exactly what he had in mind. Neither of them were sober, but neither of them cared. They’d been deprived of any communication or even touch from each other for weeks. Jaemin couldn’t stand it anymore. He’d have been out the whole night with Mark, anyway.

Besides, he had a lot to prove to Jeno in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sooooo sorry it’s been so long, university is so hard right now. But regardless, I hope you guys liked this chapter. Warning though, there will be explicit sexual content in the next chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

The minute Jeno opened his door, Jaemin already had him pushed against the wall. The ride back had been incredibly tense, and half an hour had felt like half a day. Jaemin had done everything in his power to cover himself up, his eyes were barely even visible, even Jeno had his hood up. Despite their recklessness, they’d arrived at Jeno’s dorm room unnoticed. 

Reaching behind Jaemin, Jeno flicked on his bedroom light, causing them both to flinch. Jaemin removed his mask and pulled his hood down, but his other arm remained on Jeno’s chest. Their breathing was heavy, and their closeness added to the tension. 

“Jaemin, I think we really need to talk about us.” Jeno began, grabbing hold of Jaemin’s shoulders and pushing him away slightly. “Like, what are we now? We still…”

“Can we talk about this later?” Groaned Jaemin, running his hands up Jeno’s chest. Jeno shivered in response, but he couldn’t back down. Jeno firmly gripped Jaemin’s wrist and dragged him to the bed, sitting him down. 

“This needs to be said now Jaemin, because I already know where this is going. Please tell me your honest feelings about me so I can either move on with my life or see where this goes.” 

Jeno scanned over Jaemin’s face in case he’d gone too hard or hit a nerve. It took awhile for the other to respond. He truly looked deep in thought, biting his lip with his hand on his chin. Jeno wasn’t going to brush it aside, however, because he needed to know Jaemin’s answers. 

Jaemin finally took a deep breath and began.

“I do like you. A lot. I liked you before you even knew who I was. I had a crush on you before I even spoke to you for the first time, and when I did speak to you, I knew my crush definitely wasn’t going away. To be honest I never saw this going anywhere. I never thought you’d be the kind, genuine, honest person that you are. I didn’t think I’d be risking my career over you, either. In an ideal world, Jeno, this would be the part where I ask you to be my boyfriend. I truly do feel a connection between us. But with my job I- oh my god don’t cry!” 

Jeno couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. Jaemin looked so alarmed he flailed his arms around in a state of panic. Rolling his eyes through his tears, Jeno pulled Jaemin into a strong embrace. Now, he wasn’t one to cry, but Jaemin had just bombarded him with so many things to think about at once it had been too much for him to handle. Jaemin rubbed Jeno’s back soothingly, and it was so calming that he didn’t want to let go. Instead, he just clung to him tighter. 

“Why are you crying?” Jaemin whispered, his face so close to Jeno’s neck he could feel his breath against his skin as he spoke. 

“I didn’t think you liked me that much.” Jeno confessed, leaning his head against Jaemin’s shoulder. 

“Neither did I until I couldn’t stand to not be without you.” Jaemin pulled away from the hug and wiped Jeno’s tears with his thumb. Jeno gave him a soft smile and looked into his eyes. Jaemin’s heart felt like it was pounding out of his chest. 

“I want to kiss you.” Jaemin blurted out before he could stop himself. 

“Do it then.” 

Jaemin’s eyes widened. It’s not like this was his first kiss. But kissing, as he already explained, Jaemin believed was incredibly intimate. He wouldn’t just do it with anybody. But Jeno wasn’t a random stranger he happened to think was cute anymore. He meant more than that. 

Taking ahold of Jeno’s hand, he cupped Jeno’s face with the other and leaned in slowly. Because of Jeno’s tears, his lips tasted salty, but Jaemin didn’t mind. All he felt was an extreme desire to be as close to Jeno as possible. Jaemin couldn’t help but whine slightly when Jeno pulled down on the other’s lip, his hands making his way further down Jaemin’s back. 

Feeling more confident, Jeno gently pushed Jaemin back onto the bed, trailing his lips down to Jaemin’s jaw as he did so. The result of this caused a quiet whimper out of Jaemin, and he wrapped his legs around Jeno’s back, pulling him closer. Jeno laughed against the others skin, tugging at the hem of his shirt. Jeno tugged at it for confirmation that he could take it off, and Jaemin nodded, his lips parted, his breathing heavy. 

The sight of Jaemin laying down in front of him with his shirt now off was enough to turn Jeno on, and yet, the feeling of Jaemin’s hands running up and down his sides caused him to feel even better. 

Jeno pulled his own shirt off, throwing it onto the floor and sitting in between Jaemin’s legs, a smirk on his face as he ran his hand down the other’s chest. He was a beautiful sight to behold. 

“You’re so hot.” Jeno remarked, leaning down to scatter kisses around Jaemin’s stomach while he pulled Jaemin’s jeans down. 

“So are you.” Grinned Jaemin, hoisting himself up to help Jeno with his pants. 

Jeno didn’t even bother responding, he just needed Jaemin at that point. Biting down on Jaemin’s neck and pulling on the skin between his teeth, Jaemin let out a whine as Jeno sucked on it, hard, and it was sure to leave a mark. The noise Jaemin made was one he hadn’t heard yet, and it sent chills throughout Jeno’s body and went straight to his dick. With more aggression than intended, Jeno took ahold of Jaemin’s jaw and pressed their lips together, making sure to slip his tongue in which resulted in another whimper from Jaemin. 

“God you’re so fucking gorgeous.” Jeno growled, and Jaemin’s body subconsciously jolted upwards, his nails now digging deep enough into Jeno’s shoulders that it could draw blood if he wasn’t careful. Jeno gave a breathy laugh in response and yanked off Jaemin’s boxers in one swift movement and not hesitating to wrap his hand around his fully erect cock. Jaemin let out a sinful noise and he writhed under Jeno’s firm grip, biting his lip in an attempt to cover up his moans. 

Jeno’s movements were painfully slow, one hand pinning Jaemin’s hands above his head, another working its way slowly on Jaemin’s cock. Jeno could tell by the way the other bucked his hips forward and moaned a cacophony of Jeno’s name mixed with swear words that he was growing very impatient with his slow pace. Jeno’s own dick ached in his underwear, but he didn’t care, his only focus right now was the mess of a boy in front of him. 

“Fuck, Jeno, please.” Jaemin begged, his hands thrashing against Jeno’s strong grip in an attempt to free himself and move faster against Jeno’s hand. Smirking, Jeno removed his hand altogether, the sudden cold air causing Jaemin to gasp and let out a whine. 

“We can’t have you cumming yet.” Grinned Jeno, finally removing his own underwear and sitting himself in between Jaemin’s legs. Jaemin’s face flushed crimson red when Jeno reached over onto his table for lube and proceeded to squirt it onto his fingers, and with the most sinful expression Jaemin had ever seen from Jeno, Jeno spread his fingers and licked the lube from it, his tongue flicking in a way which went straight to Jaemin’s cock. 

“Can I finger you?” 

Jaemin was too dazed he couldn’t even reply properly, he just nodded frantically, lifting his hips up to give Jeno easier access. Humming in acknowledgment, Jeno traced two fingers against Jaemin’s rim and gently slipped one inside. Jaemin sucked his breath in sharply as Jeno added a second and proceeded to spread them inside of him. Releasing a moan that would be sure to wake up Jeno’s roommates, Jaemin’s eyes rolled back into his forehead as Jeno began to pick up the pace.

“Been a while since you’ve had it this good huh?” Jeno laughed as Jaemin continued to moan and clasp at Jeno’s biceps in desperation, his back arching as he added a third finger. 

“F-fuck...yeah it has.” Jaemin moaned in response, finally managing to grip hold of Jeno tightly. The way Jaemin finally looked him in the eye and bit his lip lit a fire inside of Jeno, and he couldn’t help but push all three fingers fully inside of him, twisting them inside. Jaemin practically choked and moaned at the same time. 

“P-please Jeno.” He whimpered in such a pathetic way that Jeno almost panicked he’d gone too far. Almost. 

“Please what, baby?” Testing out that pet name seemed to work in his favour, because Jaemin gave him an adorable pout that caused Jeno to kiss him fondly on the neck again. 

“Please fuck me.” Jaemin groaned, only managing to get his words out fully because Jeno had already removed his fingers and was working Jaemin’s legs apart and placing them on his back. 

As Jeno lined himself up against Jaemin, he gave him a reassuring smile, one that caused Jaemin to blush again and look away slightly, but he still wrapped his arms around Jeno’s neck anyway. Any other day, Jeno would’ve liked to have teased Jaemin and played on his impatience, but the way Jaemin instantly became a moaning mess underneath him lead Jeno to push himself fully inside, a groan falling off his own lips. He started off relatively slow, gripping ahold of Jaemin’s waist and just admiring the way he fell apart under Jeno’s control. The way Jaemin’s cock leaked precum as Jeno began to pick up his pace, Jeno knew that he had to drive Jaemin over the edge. 

Grabbing Jaemin’s thighs, he confidently placed them into his shoulders so he could go deeper, and it was definitely worth it because the way Jaemin whimpered out Jeno’s name as he sunk fully into him sent shockwaves throughout Jeno’s body. Jeno kept a firm and hard grip on Jaemin’s thighs as he slammed into him, his pace speeding up with each thrust. Jaemin lost all sense of his surroundings and all he managed to splutter was an incoherent bundle of moans and whines. Jeno had found his sweet spot. He kept up the angle, his grip on the boys thighs sure to leave marks, but Jeno’s priority was sending Jaemin over the edge. 

“I’m so close.” Jaemin whimpered, desperately clawing at Jeno’s chest. Jeno smirked and kissed the sides of Jaemin’s legs, thrusting a last few times before Jaemin came underdone beneath him, his cock twitching as he came all over his stomach and onto Jeno’s chest. Jeno followed suit shortly after, the sight of Jaemin orgasming alone was enough to push him over the edge. 

Jeno collapsed next to Jaemin, their chests heaving up and down. They didn’t care about cleaning up yet. Turning over to look at him, Jeno pressed his lips against Jaemin’s head in a soft kiss and ran a hand through his hair. 

The two knew that this moment wouldn’t last forever, but they truly wished it could. Jeno wrapped an arm around Jaemin’s shoulders as the two just laid there in each other’s arms, comforted by the sound of their breathing. Tomorrow could wait. 

“Jaemin, that was the best sex I’ve ever had.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooof this is my first time writing quite explicit content so I hope it wasn’t too bad! Writing it is a lot harder than actually doing it ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long, I've been so busy and had a bad case of writers block for two months. However, I am finally back and have an announcement! I've decided to make a twitter for nomin AU's ( @jaemnbby) because I'm too scared to do it on my main stan account hahaha...these will include nsfw be warned!   
I want to publish my first idea soon, if any of you guys have twitter please follow me and recommend accounts to follow! Thank you again for your support.  
This is the second to last chapter now ahhhh! Hopefully I'll get this finished by the end of December...

Jeno awoke the next morning, or rather, afternoon, with a splitting headache and a cute boy fast asleep in his arms. The memories of last night hit Jeno like a ton of bricks, and he shifted in his position slightly, his arm numb from Jaemin sleeping on it all night. Despite how peaceful he looked, Jaemin’s phone was going off non stop. It was on silent, but the way each notification just didn’t stop popping up one after the other on Jaemin’s phone made him feel incredibly anxious. He wasn’t one for snooping at others texts, but if it wasn’t important, he’d wouldn’t wake Jaemin up, if it was important, he would. 

Text over text came flooding through, but it was difficult to tell who from considering Jaemin sported rather colourful names for his friends contacts.   
‘Chinese goofball: Jaemin where the fuck are you’   
‘Hyuckieduckie: Jaemin please answer us holy shit’   
‘Dickhead: Mr Na, if you do not answer your phone this instant it is in our every right to terminate your contract.’   
‘Dominos: 2 for 1 pizza THIS FRIDAY when you spend £20 or more.’

This was definitely important. Jeno put Jaemin’s phone back on his bedside table and lightly shook him. The other groaned and rolled further into Jeno, wrapping his arms around him, cuddling him close. 

“You need to wake up.” Jeno groaned, kissing his head nervously. Jaemin just made another noise of disdain, but opened his eyes. 

“What time is it?”

“3pm.”

“Shit.” 

Jaemin shot up in the bed and grabbed his phone. Jeno held his breath as the more Jaemin scrolled down the wider his eyes became, the more shaky his breath was. In a state of panic he grabbed Jeno’s hand.

“Jeno, I’m about to do something that you might get pissed off at me for.” 

Nodding nervously, Jeno gulped as Jaemin brought the phone up to his ear. He was surprised Jaemin hadn’t made an attempt to leave his bed yet, or go out of the room for privacy or at least ask Jeno to leave. He just held his hand tighter. 

There was a lot of yelling on the other end of the phone. Jaemin seemed immune to it.

“I want to take a break.” 

“You WHAT?! Was a whole year not good enough, now you want want one again?!” The reply was loud enough for Jeno to hear it, and it rang in his ears. 

“Terminate my contract then. I can’t do this right now.” Jaemin sighed, his voice was monotone and uncaring, but Jeno saw the way his legs shook and his eyes glistened as he said that. 

There were a few more angry yells in the background, but Jeno had zoned out to it, focusing his attention on his own phone. Jaemin was all over the headlines.

‘DREAM’s JAEMIN DROPS MYSTERIOUS SONG ON TWITTER THEN DISAPPEARS’

‘NA JAEMIN CAUGHT IN ANOTHER SCANDAL?’

‘Emotional song dropped by Dream’s Na Jaemin, remains on Twitter only for a few minutes before it was deleted. Here’s what the lyrics tell us about his feelings:’

‘Idol NA JAEMIN speculated homosexuality after heart-wrenching song leaks’ 

Jeno hadn’t even heard the song yet, but he didn’t need to right now. He felt sick to his stomach, his brain tuned in again to Jaemin’s argument with who he supposed was one of his managers, and he felt even worse. The boy had tears streaming down his face, and all Jeno could do was hold him and tell him it’d be okay even though he knew it wouldn’t be.

“Please, it’s not Mark’s fault. I left on my own accord. Don’t punish him for this.” 

And after all this, Jaemin still didn’t care about himself first, he truly just cared about the other members. Jeno held him closer, pulling him onto his lap to have easier access at cuddling him. 

“Wait, you want me to release a studio version of the song?” 

Jeno’s head turned towards Jaemin, confused. From what Jaemin had told him as they laid together last night before they slept, his song had strong implications that he was gay, as he talked about a love that was wrong, but not specific enough for it to fully out him. Forbidden love could mean anything in the idol industry, because love was, well, forbidden.

“Alright. I’ll be back in like two hours.” Jaemin hung up and let out a much needed sigh of relief. 

The two sat in silence for a while, Jeno’s arm lingering around the other’s shoulders. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but felt much needed. At some point, Jaemin put on the song he made. Of course it drove Jeno to tears, it was a song Jaemin had written for and sang for him after all. 

“What’s going to happen to you?” Jeno whispered, cuddling into Jaemin’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around his torso.

“I don’t know.” Jaemin truly looked like he didn’t know.   
He didn’t know what to feel. His heart was racing so fast he felt like he could throw up, but at the same time, he felt at peace for the first time in a long time. Seeing Jeno’s genuine frown of concern and the way he rubbed circles around Jaemin’s palms, maybe his heart wasn’t just pounding out of fear.

It was too early to say the ‘L’ word. Definitely too early, in Jaemin’s eyes anyway. What he felt for Jeno though, it was definitely close to it. It was hard to admit it to himself. As he watched Jeno walk into his bathroom and close the shower doors, a lot of his emotions hit him all at once. Was he really doing this? Was he really putting his career on the line for a man? It might not even last, it might end horribly. This was a huge scandal, he didn’t need to check the headlines or anymore texts from his company to know that. But Jaemin was done hating himself over something that he couldn’t control. 

“Donghyuck?” Jaemin answered his phone hesitantly. 

“You’re a fucking idiot.” Donghyuck hadn’t said it with any venom in his voice, he sounded annoyed, but he also chuckled slightly at the end. Jaemin was surprised. He’d left Mark drunk in a club with a stranger last night, he was surprised Donghyuck wasn’t out for blood.

“And why’s that, Hyuckie?” Jaemin cooed, grinning to himself. He could hear loud chatter in the background, what sounded a lot like Mark yelling, but he didn’t want to ask, or he didn’t want to know.

“You’ve single handedly sent the entire company into shambles, but also sky-rocketed their sales overnight by hundreds of thousands. Oh, and you let my boyfriend fend for himself whilst flat out drunk. You’re so lucky Yuta was there to save him.”

Jaemin was truly shocked by the first statement, but the latter stuck with him with such a harder force.

“Your...boyfriend? Mark?” Jaemin had to tread delicately around his words. Donghyuck might have slipped. He could hear the way Donghyuck’s breath caught in his throat as he proceeded to answer Jaemin’s question.

“Yeah...my boyfriend, Mark. But that’s not the point here!” Maybe it wasn’t the point to Donghyuck, but it was definitely the point to Jaemin. He’d finally told him. 

“Donghyuck, how long has he been your boyfriend for?”

“Since last night.”

“Huh?” Jaemin really hoped Donghyuck wasn’t lying, Jaemin knew they’d been keeping this a secret for so much longer.

“Well, I’m sure you’re aware we had a thing going on for a few years now I guess...and last night when he stumbled into my room at 5am he told me he loved me and he didn’t want to hide it anymore.”

Donghyuck’s statement raised more questions than answers, but Jeno had just exited the bathroom with his hair dripping and nothing but a towel around his waist. Donghyuck’s voice was nothing but a murmur in the back of Jaemin’s head now, and all his concentration was lost to focus on Jeno. 

“Hyuck, I have to go, Jeno just got out the shower.” 

Laughing, Donghyuck told him it was alright and he’d see him later. Jaemin hung up the phone and pounced on Jeno, pulling him onto the bed.

“Jaemin! I’ll get the bed wet!” Jeno laughed, attempting at pushing Jaemin off of him. 

“Jeno you make me wet already.” Jaemin smirked, running his hand down Jeno’s stomach. Jeno shivered, but couldn’t contain his laughter from the other’s comment. 

“Don’t be a dumbass and go and have a shower, you passed out last night before you could have one.” Groaned Jeno, pulling Jaemin up by his waist and attempting at carrying him to the bathroom. The other struggled against him, kicking his shins until he put him down.

“Shower with me.” Pouted Jaemin, crossing his arms.

“I just had a shower.” Jeno rolled his eyes and shoved Jaemin in the shower. After a few more minutes of bickering, Jaemin complied and closed the door.

Jeno hadn’t been alone to his thoughts in over a day, and now that he finally had that, he felt too exhausted to think. He felt happy, yet so terrified at the same time. The nation's sweetheart, Na Jaemin, was currently in his shower after they’d done several unspeakable acts the night before, and he’d put his career on the line by publishing a song about him. Jeno was, to be quite frank, shell-shocked. He was just a regular university student with a part time job a few months ago, and suddenly he was thrown into the world of idols, scandals and public scrutiny. Jeno guessed he should probably tell Jaemin about what people had been saying about him at some point and how it had gotten to him, but now wasn’t the time, and Jaemin had too much on his plate already. 

There had been many occasions in the last few months where Jeno had regretted it. Regretted letting Jaemin into his life and taking a liking to him and embedding himself within Jeno’s heart. But his regret had been quite empty, as he’d never regretted it enough to want to entirely forget about Jaemin and kick him out of his life for good. Their relationship or whatever it was called right now, it wasn’t exactly healthy and Jeno knew that. He knew that if they actually wanted this to work out, they needed to put a lot more time and effort into it. That meant more time spent together, or at least phone calls, active communication and acknowledging healthy boundaries.   
That’s what Jeno truly wanted. After the many sacrifices Jaemin had made for him already, Jeno knew they couldn’t just throw it all away, especially after what Jaemin had said yesterday. He wondered if Jaemin was thinking the same thing. He hoped he was. 

“Jaemin, can we talk?” Jeno asked sheepishly after Jaemin had made himself comfy in one of Jeno’s shirts and snuggled under his arm.

“Erm, that sounds scary but okay.” Jaemin chuckled nervously.

“We never really finished our conversation last night.”

Jaemin adjusted himself slightly out of Jeno’s grip and sat up, facing the other.

“Jeno…”

“Just listen, okay?” Jeno’s eyes furrowed, and Jaemin nodded nervously, fiddling with his shirt. Jeno took a deep breath.

“I know you can’t answer a lot of this right now because you don’t know what your company is going to say later, but I just think it’s important. We aren’t and haven’t been good for each other up until now. Our communication is shit, we coped with our feelings for each other terribly and quite frankly if you were anyone else I would’ve told you to fuck off a long time ago.”

Jaemin opened his mouth to respond, but Jeno continued. 

“If you truly want this to work Jaemin, you need to be with me and not against me. You can’t hide things from me. Especially not stuff that concerns our relationship, like your managers telling you what sexuality you should or shouldn’t be. I know I wasn’t entirely open either, but that wasn’t me hiding things, I was just being closed off. If we keep crying over each other and being complete and utter messes, our relationship will just be toxic and won’t end well. Do you get what I’m trying to say?” 

Jaemin nodded slowly, his hand on his chin and his eyes zoned out somewhere across Jeno’s room. Jeno understood. He had said a lot, more than he’d anticipated saying, but it was necessary. If Jaemin needed a few minutes to compose answer, he’d give him that. 

“You’re right, Jeno. I want this to work from the bottom of my heart. I can’t predict what management will say later, but I’ll do everything in my power to let you know as soon as possible. Losing you isn’t an option anymore.” Jaemin finally smiled, and opened his arms, pulling Jeno in for a long hug. 

“Thank you Jaemin.” Jeno sighed. 

“I really needed to get changed soon and leave. But I promise you’ll see me soon.” 

Jeno was content with that.

Renjun, however, was not.

“Are you out of your fucking mind? Batshit crazy, both of you! I really wish you’d told Doyoung about this because I want him to call you out on your bullshit too!” 

Jeno had gone out with a few friends a couple of hours later to an arcade, and perhaps it wasn’t one of his brightest ideas. They hadn’t hung out as a group together in ages, and he’d been bombarded with questions the second he arrived. 

“Tell us about Jaemin!” Chenle had giggled.

“Just please don’t be an idiot about it.” Jisung added.

The two elder boys, Doyoung and Jaehyun, Jeno had expected them to not go as hard on him as Chenle would.

“Jaemin’s band mate Taeyong is handsome, right Doyoung? Think you could introduce us?” Teased Jaehyun, his arm swinging around Jeno’s shoulder.

“Mhm, definitely. Jaemin is also quite a catch though, right Jen?”

Jeno groaned at the memory of the previous hour.

“It’s what you get for not telling any of them the full story.” Renjun sighed, looking over at the others in an intense game of shooting each other with fake guns.

“I couldn’t, and I still can’t! I don’t want to hurt Jaemin’s reputation more than I already have.”

“Jeno you’re being so dumb. I went along with this at first because it was a harmless, hilarious one-off event we could laugh about. But at the end of the day, he’s an idol. He legally cannot be in a relationship with you until his contract expires. That’s like what, three more years? Can you really wait that long? What if you find someone else? You can’t just put everything on the line for-”

“Renjun.” Jeno grabbed his friend by the shoulders and shook him vigorously. “Whatever happens happens. Just please let me live my life.” 

“I haven’t even met the guy! He’s done nothing but make your life harder since you met him.” Renjun reasoned, pushing Jeno’s hands off of him.

“Relationships are about challenges.”

“No, Jeno. Relationships are about love. Relationships are about sacrifices, sure, but don’t you realise how crazy you sound? You’re blinded by this idea of him, not by him.”   
Jeno remained quiet for a while after that. He could tell Renjun felt guilty from the look on his face and pout, but he didn’t take back his words.

“I just want to give it a try, okay Renjun?” 

“Jeno I-” Renjun began to protest, but he sighed, and a small smile formed on his face. “Alright. Fine. I won’t stop you anymore. I just don’t want to see my best friend get hurt.” 

Jeno nodded and pulled the other into a hug. He knew Renjun was trying to help, and many things he was saying were incredibly reasonable. But Jeno had set his mind to it now. He wasn’t going to let go of Jaemin. He was giving him one more chance.

Jeno really hoped Jaemin wouldn’t mess it up.


End file.
